Marriage is Tough
by amyy94
Summary: After the loss of a child, and both pushed to their emotional limits, can Beca and Chloe continue to work at their marriage? Warning: If you want to read a story full of sunshine and rainbows, you should probably skip this one...
1. Chapter 1

Marriage is tough.

That was the only justification Beca needed.

In that moment she was weak, but that's not her excuse; quite frankly she knows she doesn't have one. Presenting Chloe with an explanation would be difficult enough, never mind giving an excuse worthy of her wife.

Her wife? Was she still able to call her that after what she's done?

Beca doesn't know anymore.

 **XXX**

Chloe woke up to the sight of Beca's back; a sight she was use to seeing most mornings. She let a sigh escape her lips, as she shifted on to her back, staring at the ceiling fan currently spinning above the bed. Chloe couldn't help but think her life was just like the blades of the fan; spinning and spinning, farther and farther from her grasp...

Without any further warning the fan made a long humming sound and stopped turning, bringing her thoughts to an end.

She exhaled deeply, reaching over to the sleeping body wrapped in the duvet beside her.

"Beca?" she swatted her shoulder.

 _Nothing._

"Beca!" she spoke louder this time, slapping her upper arm harder.

The brunette let out an almost inaudible grunt and stirred. Beca turned onto her side, heavy eyes barley open.

Chloe looked down at her hand now resting on the woman's wrist. A year ago sleepy Beca was the most adorable thing Chloe had ever seen. She quickly retracted her hand. _Oh, how things can change._

Beca opened her mouth to speak, a sleepy smile playing on her lips, before she was cut off.

"I told you to fix the fucking ceiling fan!" Chloe scolded, throwing the duvet back. Her voice wasn't raised, but her tone was harsh and strained. It seemed that was a familiar sound as of late; Chloe always seemed to speak in a tone one would use just before they erupted and let their anger bubble over. The DJ's eyes snapped open, as she watched an angry Chloe storm out of their bedroom. She bit down on her bottom lip and nodded her head, the smile from before turning bitter at the sound of the door slamming. She couldn't help but feel as if she was always on her wife's last nerve, stepping on a constant and non-ending path of eggshells.

"Great. Looks like today we're arguing before I'm even awake..." she whispered to herself, pulling the covers over her head.

In all honesty, the ceiling fan was probably unfixable - Beca was stubborn and buying a new one would be admitting defeat; she'd fix the fan if it was the last thing she did - It had been the root of their arguments for the past week, but if it hadn't been the "unbearable humming" to set Chloe off, it would have been something else. Beca swears they only ever argue now and if they're not doing that; it's just silence between them. She's not sure which one is worse.

Just before she could start the morning with more over-analysing and worry about their relationship, the sound of loud footsteps echoed down the hallway. Its owner stopped, just before the door was thrown open and there was a very hard thump on the mattress, followed by a "RAWR".

Beca couldn't stop the smile that took over her face and the laugh that followed once her daughter's head was peaking over the duvet beaming back at her. The child pulled at the sheets, as she hoisted herself up to the top of the bed and lunging into Chloe's empty spot beside her. She leaned closer to her Mother's pillow and placed a hand under her cheek, Chloe's smile painted on her face. Beca gently bopped her nose, causing the child to erupt into a fit of giggles; the tense emotions from five minutes ago completely forgotten.

"Mommy's making pancakes"

"Oh yeah?" Beca replied, cocking her head to the side. The toddler simply nodded enthusiastically in response.

"Well then, I guess you should go and help?"

After a hum of agreement, the child was climbing from the bed and almost out of the door, before Beca called her back.

"Um, Lucy, doesn't your Mom get a good morning kiss?" she asked, pointing at her cheek. Lucy grinned and darted back to the bed, diving on top of the brunette and placing a sloppy kiss just below her eye.

"You need to help too!"

Beca scooped her under her arm in one swift motion before standing and charging to the door. Lucy's squeals quickly developed into hearty laughter as Beca began taking over exaggerated breaths on the hallway, "You're too heavy! I can't... You're...too...heavy" and plopping Lucy down near the staircase. The child's face was now flushed from all the laughing, as she continued to giggle at her Mother who was now bent over, resting her hands on her knees.

Chloe's voice from downstairs silenced them both, as she called Lucy's name. Her eyes widened with excitement, as she shot a "can I go eat pancakes now?" look to the older woman. A nod was all she needed and she was already running down the stairwell.

"Hold the rail!" Beca reminded letting out a chuckle before heading to the bathroom.

Once Beca had made it to the kitchen, she stopped just shy of the thresh-hold as she leaned on the doorframe watching the sight unfolding before her. Lucy was swinging her legs from the counter, a mouthful of pancakes, as Chloe talked animatedly whilst playfully prodding their daughter's stomach; both of them literally mirroring each other's smile, before Lucy accidentally knocked her cup of juice off balance. Chloe quickly swooped to the rescue, catching the cup mid-fall and kissing an off-guard Lucy's cheek.

The redhead turned to open the cupboard behind her. She stretched to reach its contents, causing her tank top to ride up slightly, revealing a strip of skin. Beca couldn't remember the last time they'd been intimate, never mind slept together. She ran her eyes over the taller woman's form, and just as quickly as it had occurred, Chloe's heels returned to the floor, her nightshirt back in its place and her attention back on Lucy, passing her the chocolate chip drops she'd asked for.

Beca observed her wife and daughter for a minute longer, willing everything to memory. An overwhelming feeling of happiness and contentment washed over her at their interaction. Having a family with Chloe was something Beca never thought she wanted, but now she's not sure who she would be today without the little family in front of her. Beca was feeling so many emotions right now; she welled with pride and love, but there was still that nagging feeling in her gut that she couldn't shake.

The room fell silent, as Lucy continued to eat her breakfast, whilst Chloe made her way to the sink, turning, so Beca could no longer see her face.

She loves Chloe, more than she could ever express, but she's changed, hell, they've both changed and their relationship isn't what it was six months ago. With that thought, the pride and love had been tainted and replaced with longing and fear, but she pushed it away, making her way into the kitchen.

Beca rustled her daughter's hair on the way passed and loosely rested her hands on Chloe's waist. The cloth in her hand stilled on the plate in the sink. She tried not to hesitant the motion, but lately the redhead was a whirlwind of emotions; Chloe visibly tensed at the touch, but continued to wash the pot. The brunette chanced a soft kiss to her neck, and just for a moment she felt Chloe relax; it could have been her imagination; she was sure she leaned into Beca's touch; _just like she use to_ ; but then she was stiff, shrugging out of Beca's embrace.

"The pancake mix is in the cupboard" she spoke coldly without bothering to turn around.

Beca took a step back, the hurt evident on her face. She retracted her hands and felt the fear and longing creeping back into her mind.

But it's just a rough patch; they've been through a lot recently. Marriage can be tough...

 **XXX**

Chloe watched as Beca and Lucy walked out of the front door and into the black car parked on the driveway. She was use to spending the hours of 8:30am and 4:40pm alone, Beca would drive Lucy to school, before heading to work at the recording studio. Lucy's school was just around the corner from her best friend, Aubrey's, practise, so she would pick Lucy up. Seen as Chloe had quit her job at the school four months ago, they sold their second car for a little extra cash.

Much to Beca's annoyance, Chloe rarely left the house anymore, spending the majority of her time watching re-runs of old TV shows and sleeping the afternoon away. As soon as four thirty came around, she' made herself presentable and awaited Lucy's return, Beca following shortly after at six.

Chloe was pretty much vacant when she was alone, uninterested in everything, just lost in her thoughts; a constant empty daze. She put on a smile for Lucy, but for anyone else; she just shut them out.

Including Beca.

In fact, Beca in particular...

 **XXX**

"The room is bare and impersonal, just like my wife..."

She pulled the phone from her ear and rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, I know, it wasn't funny. I don't know why I said it."

Aubrey had left her several missed calls since Beca left the airport.

"Look, the hotel is fine. I'm fine. I know you're just trying to be a good friend right now, but honestly I'm good."

She switched the device to speakerphone as Beca placed it on the bed and started unzipping her duffel bag. Aubrey's voice echoed through the phone, bouncing off the hollow hotel walls.

"Beca, you're back in Atlanta. I understand if you feel a little nostalgic and I know that can bring up happier memories of you and Chloe. You're both going through a tough time at the moment, it's alright if you feel sad or upset-"

"Aubrey! Let's not do this, OK? I know you're trying to help, but unless you can get Chloe to act like my wife again for when I return, you're not helping at all!"

Silence.

"I'm sorry. I just wanted to check in with you, seen as Chloe won't be cal..." Aubrey stopped midsentence. Finishing it would defiantly not be helping anyone right now.

Beca let out a sigh, attempting to compose herself. She couldn't take her frustrations out on Aubrey; it wasn't fair.

"Yeah, I'm sorry too. How are they?" she asked quietly, ignoring the lump forming in her throat.

"Chloe dropped Lucy off at school this morning. That's progress, right?"

Beca reached for the phone and placed it to her ear, "She did?"

Chloe's reluctance to leave the house unless it was absolutely necessary caused a lot of arguments between them, and hearing that she'd actually driven Lucy to school filled Beca up with hope.

"Yep" Aubrey replied, her tone upbeat.

"I told you, Beca, she just needs time."

The blonde woman's voice was laced with the hope Beca was feeling inside. She knew Chloe needed time to heal, but she just missed her so much. Memories of Barden and the Bella's, their first kiss, their wedding day, Lucy being born, it all flashed through her mind. She just wanted her wife back; the bubbly, upbeat, confident, talkative Chloe, back.

Beca quickly wiped the tear rolling down her cheek away.

"Hey, I gotta go, alright? Thanks for calling, Bree. Speak soon."

"Beca, are you O-"

She hung up the phone before Aubrey could finish.

No, she wasn't OK, but she had to be, for Chloe and Lucy.

 **XXX**

Beca made her way down to the hotel lobby, stepping out of the elevator and seeking out the bar, fully intending to take advantage of the complimentary free drinks provided by the record company.

Upon hearing she had to venture out to Georgia; and basically act like a courier to sign the contract of new band; she wasn't too thrilled about it. Beca hated business trips to begin with, but considering everything going on right now, she almost refused to go. Aubrey had advised space between her and Chloe might do them both some good, so she took the blonde's advice.

Once she had ended her phone call with Aubrey, Beca lost it. She hugged her knees to her chest and cried on the bed for a good half hour. Maybe coming back to Atlanta was a mistake. Ever since she'd gotten off the plane, she couldn't get Chloe's smile out of her head. The brunette wanted so badly to see it again that it physically hurt to think about it.

Eventually, she wiped away the tears and washed her face. She was here for two days, she can get through that. She'd gotten through worse (well, barely).

Beca knew she shouldn't get drunk tonight; tomorrow's workload would go a lot smoother if she wasn't hung over. But after an unsatisfying call home to Chloe, she wanted to drink to numb the pain.

"Jack and coke, please."

Beca slumped down on a barstool and waited for the barman to pour the drink. She gave her room number and stared into the bottom of her glass. After a moment, she brought the glass to her lips and downed it.

"Another."

Beca had lost track of how long she'd been sat at the bar; she squinted at her iPhone, failing to make out the time. By that point she knew she'd had enough, but then she remembered what drove her to alcohol and decided she needed some more. Placing the phone back in her pocket, she finished the last drop of her drink.

"Same again please."

Beca felt a hand on her shoulder; the touch was warm and strangely comforting.

"Is this seat taken?"

 **XXX**

"I don't know if we're happy anymore."

Those seven words had been swirling around her brain for a while now and no matter how hard she tried to silence them, they would always circle back, like a chant, much louder than the previous time before. Chloe had never spoke those seven words out loud before, but as the sentence spilled from her lips it stirred up all the emotions she'd been numb to for the last few months.

She broke down.

Tears wet her cheeks and her sobs wracked her body. She knows she should stop crying, Lucy is in the next room; she shouldn't see her Mother like this.

But she can't.

For the past two months, Chloe has just been going through the motions. Her life had changed drastically, but she hadn't felt **anything.**

The overwhelming fear of loss had been ignored, a grieving process never started, the pain pushed away and locked in a box, never to be opened. She had been numb for so long.

She felt Aubrey's hand on her shoulder, as the blonde sat down next to her. It was then Chloe realised she'd slipped down the kitchen counter and onto the cold tiled floor.

Aubrey pulled her best friend in for a hug, feeling Chloe's weight collapse into her side.

"You've been living on auto-pilot for a long time, Chlo. You need to feel in order to move on."

Aubrey was trying her best to comfort her best friend right now, but she honestly didn't know how. Chloe had been a shell of herself for so long, detaching from everyone who loved her and just shutting down. It was difficult to watch, but as a qualified psychologist, Aubrey knew Chloe's reaction wasn't uncommon after someone goes through such a traumatic experience.

She had watched Beca struggle unsure of how to deal with her heartbroken wife. That was probably the most upsetting part of it all - to watch Beca; not having Chloe to reassure her; deal with the aftermath of it all.

Lucy was the only thing that had been keeping them together recently, but both women were hurting and just too upset to connect with each other.

That alone was heartbreaking to witness, Aubrey can't imagine how it must have felt to lose a child and then lose your spouse.

"Do you want me to call Beca?" Aubrey asked quietly.

"Why you crying?"

A foreign voice called from the doorway.

"Mommy, what's wrong?"

Lucy's eyes darted back and forth from Aubrey to Chloe, as she looked on worriedly. The toddler shyly moved forward, until Chloe sat up straight and motioned for her daughter to come closer. Lucy quickly walked over and enveloped her Mother in a hug.

"Please don't cry" she whispered into the crook of Chloe's neck. The redhead couldn't hold back the tears after that.

 **XXX**

 **A/N: I had this idea in my head and I had to write it down. Sentences turned to paragraphs, which then developed into pages. I think I got a little carried away.**

 **Sorry, not sorry...**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N1- Had a few wifi problems at home, so sorry for the late update. Got a few more chapters already written, but just need to add a couple of things and give them another proof read before uploading – unfortunately I'm not sure when that will be, because I'm still waiting on the repair to my phone line...**

 **A/N 2 – I don't really know where this is going, but I'm pretty sure it will only have a maximum of five chapters, maybe less. If you're feeling it, let me know; if not, tell me all about. Reading a couple of the reviews, [SPOILER ALERT] I'm being swayed on my initial ending though.**

 **Leave a review, you know if you have time, or can be bothered...**

 **Cool beans,**

 **Peace out!**

Chloe remembers when she sat down in the hospital room with Beca's hand in hers. IVF had been successful with Lucy on the first try and they were both hoping their second attempt would have the same outcome.

The home pregnancy test had been positive and now they were waiting on the official confirmation from the doctor.

"You'll have to excuse me for a moment whilst I chase up the results."

Doctor Harman was an older gentleman in his early fifties. After a recommendation from a work colleague, Chloe and Beca wasted no time booking an appointment. Here they were again, going through the same process, with the same doctor, hoping for the best.

Doctor Harman made his way to the door and closed it quietly. Both women shared a look, before Beca squeezed her wife's hand.

"If it's unsuccessful, we can try again. Let's not build up."

Chloe gave her a small smile, whilst shuffling a little closer to the brunette's chair.

"Becs, you promised me you'd leave your pessimism at home today..."

The redhead let out a giggle. Chloe was always the one to bring optimism to their relationship, whilst Beca called herself more of a 'realist'.

"You know I want this just as much as you. I just don't want you to be disappointed if-"

Chloe cut her off, "Babe, I know. If it doesn't work, we can start another round of treatment, but let's not forget the test was positive yesterday morning."

Beca's face lit up at the memory; she'd booked the morning off work in order to be with Chloe when she found out. The couple waited anxiously in the bathroom for the test to take effect. As soon as they both spotted the faint second line getting clearer Chloe's smile was stretched from ear to ear. Beca doesn't feel even a little bit embarrassed for blubbering like a baby for ten minutes solid, which then set Chloe off too - happy tears of course.

"I really want good news" Beca breathed, a hint of insecurity in her voice.

Chloe pressed a gentle kiss to her wife's knuckle, "Me too" she smiled.

 **XXX**

Beca sat up straighter on the stool, her mind hazed and vision blurry. She had spent her time here at the bar rehashing out her disappointing phone call with Chloe, repeating the words over – well her lack of words to be more exact. Beca hadn't heard anything from her wife since leaving the house for the airport earlier that morning.

Eight hours.

She had travelled almost two thousand miles across the country and radio silence between the couple for eight hours was sadly just like a typical weekday. It was just after half seven Eastern time, making it four back home in LA, so Beca waited a while longer to call; that way Lucy would be home from school. She decided to order something to eat up to the room in the mean time; the food on the plane journey sucked. Deep down she'd hope Chloe would call first, but she knew the odds were slim; after all, she was a realist.

Eventually the brunette picked up her phone and heard the familiar dial tone as she waited for someone to answer.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Chlo, it's me."

"I'll get Lucy."

Before Beca had a chance to reply, the phone crackled then quietened. There was a little more static, until a familiar voice broke through the silence. Beca smiled as Lucy's voice poured into her ear.

"Mom?"

"Lucy?"

"Mom."

"Lucy."

It was a game they liked to play when talking over the phone which usually always ended in hysterical laughter from the toddler, and a warm feeling spreading through Beca's heart. It had started when Lucy was younger and unable to speak many words; it had stuck with them ever since. Beca remembers when she would hear Chloe laughing in the background, a vision of the woman shaking her head in amusement, whist running her fingers through her daughter's hair. Although the DJ didn't hear Chloe laughing now, she still couldn't help but envision the image.

After a catch up with her daughter, ranging from school to Lilly the stuffed monkey, Lucy passed the phone back to Chloe.

"I've got to go."

Beca's heart sank. After everything today and given where she was, she just wanted to talk like they use to. Given any other occasion, Beca would probably conform to the request and bid her good-bye, but the craving for normalcy was particularly strong in that moment.

"Can we not just talk for a second? I know you don't want to, but I've had a shit day and I just want to hear your voice."

It sounded more of a plea and less of a question, the desperation pouring out of every word. Chloe's sigh muffled through the receiver, before she breathed an irritable "fine".

"So, how's your day been?"

"Fine."

"Aubrey said you drove Lucy to school?"

"Yeah, well you didn't drive the car to the airport."

There was a pause.

"I miss you."

Beca couldn't stop the words from escaping her lips, they had been on the tip of her tongue for so many months now, but saying them over the phone when on a business trip makes the statement lose its heavy weight, which Beca is both equally grateful and unthankful for.

"Lucy misses you too."

That's not exactly the answer she wanted.

"Do you? Miss me, I mean."

 _Please. At least just fucking lie to me right now..._

"Beca, I don't have time- Look, I've got to check on dinner. Bye."

She should have expected that. The harsh reality of their situation hit the DJ hard after that. That's when she decided she wanted to get blackout drunk that evening. At least that way she could forget her problems for a night.

"Umm..."

Beca took a second to ease her mind, remembering where she was and what was going on. The stranger had retracted their hand from her shoulder, taking a few steps back. She managed to stutter out a reply, whilst still trying to shake her previous thoughts away.

"Yes, I mean no, I- No one is sat there"

 **XXX**

"It's a boy."

The words were still ringing in Chloe's head five hours after their eighteen week scan.

Beca had been caught up at the studio, but had literally burst into the hospital cubicle whilst the nurse was applying the cold gel to her stomach; hair askew and out of breath. The excitement continues to rise each time Chloe thinks about seeing their baby on the screen, knowing this time she's having a son.

That feeling of joy and happiness was swelling in her chest again, making it difficult to concentrate on the book she was attempting to read.

"Are you ready to turn the light off yet?"

Half of Beca's face was covered by her pillow, as she playfully poked Chloe's arm.

"Some of us want to get some sleep. I'm sure that little guy does too..."

Beca gestured to Chloe's stomach under the book of baby names she was barely reading. Chloe let out an excited giggle, before placing the hardback on the night stand and turning to face Beca.

"I just can't stop thinking about our family" she beamed.

Beca let out a hum, before pulling the redhead closer and running her thumb along her stomach.

"I can't stop replaying Lucy's reaction to having a baby brother, or the scan earlier. In fact the more I think about it, the closer I get to crying again and I've got to maintain my hard-ass persona..."

Chloe smirked, settling further into the mattress, "Long gone, Mitchell."

They let the comfortable silence settle over them, both grinning at each other.

"I can't wait" Chloe whispered.

"He's going to be amazing. Just like his Mom and baby sister."

Beca closed the small distance between them and captured Chloe's lips in a kiss.

She couldn't be any happier right now. Her family was growing and everything was perfect. She felt Chloe's tongue against her bottom lip and aided the deepening of the kiss. After a minute or so, Beca pulled away upon hearing Lucy pad down the hallway.

Without breaking eye contact, Chloe put on her best Mom voice, "Lucy Bella Mitchell, what are you doing out of bed?"

Lucy quickly stopped in her tracks, before resuming her journey to her parent's room, pushing the slightly ajar door open.

"Can't sleep" she whispered hesitantly, whilst rubbing her eyes. "Can I sleep in here?"

Beca shared a knowing look with Chloe, before chancing a glance at the toddler at the foot of the bed. She threw the duvet down and patted at the space in the middle of the bed earning a grin from Lucy, before diving into her desired spot.

"But only for tonight, OK?" Beca warned.

"Only tonight" the toddler repeated cheekily whilst snuggling into Chloe.

Beca couldn't help but let out a chuckle. She looked back at Chloe and mimed the words "I love you" before clapping her hands to turn off the light.

 _Yep, life was pretty much perfect right now._

 **XXX**

Chloe had been sat in the dark living room on the couch for a couple of hours now. Once she'd calmed down a little, Aubrey stayed for a while to make sure she was OK. They'd both put Lucy to bed, whilst Chloe half-heartedly told her a bedtime story; it was really difficult to make up a happy ending, but she smiled through it and finished with the typical "and they all lived happily ever after" line of a fairytale.

But life wasn't a fairytale – not for her. The emotions of the last few months were hitting Chloe all at once and she didn't know how to deal with it – not on her own.

She wanted Beca so much right now.

And she hadn't wanted Beca for a long time...

When Chloe first heard the terrible news; she cried almost non-stop for two days, and Beca cried with her for a short while, until she just stopped and Chloe carried on.

After that, she had no more tears left to shed and Chloe shut everyone out; even Lucy for a short while. Sleeping the day away; refusing to eat - she just couldn't go back to living her life again. Eventually the school were unable to keep her job open, so she quit.

It wasn't until a conversation from Lucy made her realise she needed to be a Mom again.

It was in the morning, just before the toddler went off to school. Beca would tell their daughter to "run up stairs and give Mommy a big hug for today" every morning in hope of bringing Chloe round. It wasn't until now, Chloe realised Beca had been trying so hard for so long.

Lucy raced into the bedroom and squeezed tightly around Chloe's neck, just like she would every other morning, but this time when she pulled away, she whispered into her ear "Mommy, please smile today, I miss it."

That's when Chloe knew she was failing as a parent. So she changed things around and made an effort for her daughter, because that's what a Mother does.

But she continued to shut Beca out, because she was scared of what she would feel if she allowed her wife to comfort her. All the emotions she had become numb to, all of the thoughts and feelings she locked away would come bursting through the damn she had constructed, with so much force and so much power - Chloe wasn't sure she could go back to crying every waking minute and thinking about the son she'd never have.

So she built her walls and raised her guards, denying Beca entry every time.

 **XXX**

Beca's not sure if it's the alcohol, but she's actually enjoying a conversation with a stranger. It's not awkward or strained; someone is actually taking an interest in her and she's almost certain admitting she likes it is wrong somehow.

The woman in front of her has dark hair and green eyes, much like Beca, she's dressed down in jeans and a sweater and the DJ can't help but notice every time she reaches for her drink, an arm brushes against her shoulder; it feels nice.

Rachel is also here on business and staying at the hotel, but Beca doesn't read too much into it when she tells her that same sentence, reworded and more than twice. She buys Beca a few more Jack Daniels and coke and in return she buys Rachel a couple glasses of white wines.

"So, married?" Rachel asked out of the blue and pointing at the band on Beca's left hand.

"Yeah" she shrugged.

"Happily?" Rachel daringly asked.

The DJ laughed in response. If it wasn't for the copulas amounts of alcohol, she would have cottoned on to the other woman's obvious intentions by now.

"If I said yes, would you believe me?"

"Oh, I see, you're one of those" Rachel deadpanned.

Beca knitted her eyebrows together in confusion, "One of those?"

"One of those in a loveless marriage, bored of their partner and not getting enough action in bed" she replied nonchalantly with a smirk.

Beca was taken aback for a moment unsure of what to say; this woman was bold and confident. She actually reminded Beca of Chloe back in their college days. But there was a cocky and perhaps nasty undertone to her personality, reminding Beca that Rachel was nothing like her wife.

Something about the assumption made Beca cower into her seat. Speaking her mind and standing up for what she believed in wasn't something Beca found difficult to do, but in this current interaction she was at a loss for words, unable to string a sentence together to actually defend her marriage this woman clearly knew nothing about.

"Sounds like you're speaking from personal experience?" she retorted.

"And you keep answering my questions with another question..."

 **XXX**

 **A/N 3 – I regret the ending of my second author's note above. Psst, no, don't scroll up and read it again! ...**


	3. Chapter 3

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Pitch Perfect or the characters used in this story.**

 **XXX**

The more Beca sat with Rachel, the more she realised she was taking a disliking to her, but after her nth drink (Beca was glad she wasn't paying for any of them) she stayed and talked more. It wasn't so much the conversation keeping her glued to her seat, but the suggestive way Rachel spoke, her flirty comments and how she'd suddenly started casually leaving lingering touches on Beca's wrist and thigh during conversation.

It had been a long time since Chloe had kissed her or given her a hug. She couldn't remember the last time Chloe walked down the sidewalk, interlocking their fingers together; or how they'd cuddle on the sofa or spoon before drifting to sleep; she just wanted to be touched again.

So when Rachel proposed they go back to her room for a 'night cap', Beca didn't refuse. Instead she just coyly finished her drink and made her way to the lobby with the other woman behind her in silence.

Once they were stood side-by-side awaiting the elevator, Beca felt a twinge in her gut she couldn't quite explain. Desire or guilt? Want or regret? Common sense?

She pushed it away upon hearing the ding and watched the metal doors open.

 **XXX**

Chloe woke up to a wet pillow and puffy eyes, along with a four year old pressed against her back. She had a vague recollection of Lucy climbing into bed with her at some point during the night, but she was too tired to protest. Sleep didn't come easy and once she'd finally dropped off she was exhausted. It was the same feeling of exhaustion she experienced the first month of the miscarriage; who knew crying could be both emotionally and physically draining.

Chloe turned on her side to face her daughter and brushed the hair away from her eyes. She just led there for a moment, watching Lucy sleep; she looked so peaceful and angelic that Chloe felt a sudden wave of appreciation wash over her. Her daughter was perfect in every way and somehow she'd forgotten that over the past few months.

She was deep in thought, when Lucy opened her eyes and peeked at the redhead in front of her.

"You're smiling" she said sleepily, a grin forming at the corners of her mouth.

Chloe raised a questioning eyebrow, before the child spoke again.

"That's the smile Mommy says she loves."

Despite Lucy's age, it was remarkable how much she picked up on the details of small things like that. When it came to parenting, Chloe was always the one who knew best; if ever Lucy fell or grazed her knees it was Chloe she would call out for first. But when it came to things like secrets or she needed cheering up, Beca would be demanded. So it's no surprise Lucy would be able to say something so 'Beca' without even knowing.

When they started their first bout of IVF treatment, both women had decided Chloe would carry their child. Whilst Beca thought pregnancy was squeamish, Chloe saw it as a beautiful experience she wanted to embrace. They both discussed and agreed on the donor and when Lucy was born she looked just like Chloe albeit the brown hair, but all of her mannerisms mirrored Beca's - it was crazy how her personality was both an equal mixture of both of her parents.

During the pregnancy, Beca had revealed her doubts and fears about parenthood. Things such as "What if the baby doesn't like me?" or "What if I'm not cut out to be a Mom?" were just scratching the surface. The brunette had shared her deepest and darkest fear a couple of weeks before Lucy was born and it pained Chloe to see Beca so unsure of herself.

They'd just left an antenatal class, when the redhead noticed her wife was unusually quiet. Bouncing her knee and chewing her finger nails were the tell-tale signs Chloe had picked up over the years indicating Beca had something on her mind. She knew not to push; Beca would speak to her when she was ready.

Eventually Beca spoke up an hour or so later, tapping her fingers nervously on the older woman's thigh whilst lying on the sofa.

"Chlo, what if I can't love this kid because I know it's not biologically mine?"

Beca's voice was dripping with fear and uncertainty and Chloe could see the watery film over her eyes.

"Is this what you've been thinking about all afternoon?"

"I don't know. We're getting nearer and nearer to the birth date and all I can think about is what if she knows I'm not her real Mom?"

Her voice cracked at the end, as she avoided eye contact with the now concerned redhead in front of her.

"Babe, you're her Mom no matter what. Whether or not you're bound by genetics, you'll always be bound by love. You're going to be amazing, Bec, I know it; in fact I can feel it! And you're going to love this baby because she is as much mine as she is yours regardless of where she came from."

Beca stayed silent for a few moments, as if she was replaying the words in her mind to get a better feel of them. Her expression looked a little more reassured, but Chloe could still see the tiny trace of doubt. The brunette offered a small smile before settling back into the couch and nodding her head. Chloe brought their interlocked hands up to her lips and gently kissed her wife's knuckles.

"Beca you'll always be her Mother and she'll love you as much as I do."

From the instant Lucy was born, if Beca had anymore hidden doubts, they vanished as soon as she held Lucy in her arms. Chloe's feeling was right, four years on and Beca was still an amazing devoted Mother her daughter loved very, very much.

Chloe turned her attention back to her daughter who was now pulling the bed sheets under her chin.

"What else does Mommy say she loves?"

"Apart from me and waffles?" Lucy asked excitedly.

"Yeah, apart from you and waffles" she responded with a slight chuckle.

"She loves you and music and Twinkies and Aunt Aubrey and sleep and her laptop and-"

Chloe let out a proper laugh this time, before interrupting her daughter's list.

"About me... What does she say she loves about me?"

Lucy paused, looking up at the ceiling as if she was thinking really hard about it.

"Mom says she loves your smile and your eyes and she told me something else but she said I had to keep it a secret because she's a bad ass..."

Chloe let her jaw drop, before frowning discouragingly at a now very guilty looking four year old.

"Lucy, what have I told you about saying that word?"

"Sorry..." she replied sheepishly, burying her face into the pillow and mumbling a quiet "I won't say it again."

Of course their daughter would learn her first swear word from Beca. Chloe was just thankful it was quite tame compared to her wife's usual vocabulary...

"Can you tell me the secret?" she asked sweetly, reaching over to tickle her tummy.

"No!" Lucy screamed, clutching at her stomach and bursting into a fit of giggles.

"OK, OK, I'll tell you, I'll tell you!"

Chloe pulled her hands away and smiled, itching to hear what she was going to say next.

"Morning cuddles. She told me morning cuddles with you are even better than waffle and Twinkies mushed together!" she beamed back at her.

Chloe smiled a sad smile, trying to recall the last time they'd had morning cuddles. Before she could delve too deep into her thoughts, Lucy was chattering again.

"I heard her tell Uncle Jesse she loves your boobs, but I don't know what that is."

Lucy looked at her Mom confused, jutting out her lips and her eyebrows furrowed together. Chloe couldn't stop the laugh she was holding from escaping, as she brought Lucy closer for a tight hug.

 _Beca always had been a boob person..._

 **XXX**

Later that day, Chloe began emptying the bed side cupboards in search of the card Beca gave her a while ago. She'd dismissed it and thrown it in the trash, but Beca salvaged and stored it in the night stand. Unbeknownst to her, Chloe always knew it was there, she just never cared to mention it.

Seeing the card for a 'fully professional and qualified therapist' hurt as much as being handed the 'miscarriage support group' leaflet at the hospital, well almost. Chloe quickly dismissed Beca's attempt to help, causing yet another argument.

They would always start the same no matter what the topic; loud whisper shouts and a constant reminder not to wake Lucy. Chloe would deny she was depressed until Beca lost her cool. They usually always resulted in Chloe storming off to the bedroom whilst Beca spent the majority of the night sleeping in her work clothes on the couch. But after each row, she would make her way back upstairs in the dim morning light and slip back into bed, both of them sleeping back to back with an unhealthy gap down the middle.

Chloe found the card she was looking for, slipped inside Beca's copy of a Stephen King novel she'd never got round to finishing. With the card in one hand and her phone in the other, she dialled the number at the bottom of the card and took a deep breath.

She booked a joint session for a couple of days after Beca's return from her business trip. The redhead hoped she wasn't crossing the line, but she didn't want to go alone and Beca had been the one urging her to go last month.

Beca would be back from Atlanta late tomorrow night and she had mixed feelings on the matter. Since speaking to Aubrey last night, Chloe had experienced a whirlwind of emotions. The regret and guilt of how she had been acting these past few months were always present; accompanied by a constant unknown of her and Beca's relationship.

She was also battling with the overwhelming emotion of loss she had been ignoring for so long. Chloe found herself now getting angry at baby commercials showing loving Mother's cooing over an infant whilst advertising a new baby formula or toy.

But out of all the thoughts racing through her mind last night and keeping her awake, one in particular stood out the most. Although she had never voiced it to Beca, she had been subcounsciously blaming her wife for what happened.

What if Beca had taken more time off work? What if she'd cooked dinner every night? Why didn't she get her to the hospital faster the night it happened?

Holding Beca responsible for things like that weren't fair, nor were they right. Chloe felt ashamed she'd even thought them in the first place. But why didn't _she_ know? It was her body; he was in her stomach, why didn't _she_ do anything to stop it?

Chloe broke down.

She should have known.

Her eyes were filled with tears, her vision blurry as she typed out a message on her phone.

 **To: Aubrey [12:19] – I need you to come over as soon as you can.**

 **XXX**

 **...4...5...6...**

Beca watched the numbers of floors illuminate as the elevator moved up the building, keeping her eyes dead ahead. She stood still and stiff, trying to focus on the numbers in a bid to sober up until they came to a stop and the doors opened. One more level and Beca could go back to her own room and forget the temptation she was feeling, but her legs moved without her brains say so and she was following Rachel down the corridor.

The taller woman stopped by a door Beca couldn't quite read the number of, and pulled her closer. Beca felt lips touch her own and she didn't react, or push her away. A brief second later Rachel was pulling back, dropping the hand that was resting on the DJ's shoulder. Neither of them spoke, they just stood in silence, waiting for the other person to say or do something.

Beca was drunk and weak.

That wasn't her excuse.

But she reached out for Rachel and pulled her closer.

 **XXX**

"Now you be good, OK?" Chloe zipped up Lucy's coat and pecked her cheek.

"I will."

Aubrey pulled the overnight bag further up onto her shoulder and flashed her best friend a comforting smile, before taking Lucy's hand.

"Uncle Jessie has made your favourite for dinner and we can watch any movie you want!" Aubrey beamed excitedly, pinching the little girl's cheek.

"Can we watch Shrek again?"

"We can watch all four if you like!"

Aubrey's reply was met from a cheer and repeated nods of agreement, as Lucy gave Chloe one last hug and headed out to the car on the driveway. Chloe followed them outside and helped her daughter in the backseat before strapping her seatbelt. She gently bopped her nose, earning a giggle, before bidding good-bye.

"Love you."

"Love you too. See you tomorrow, Mommy."

As soon as Chloe gently closed the door, Aubrey pulled her in for a hug.

"Are you sure you're going to be alright? You can stay at ours too if you like?"

This wasn't the first time Aubrey had proposed the idea, but Chloe wanted to be alone tonight. Beca was coming home tomorrow morning and she knew she had some things to sort out. A night alone to deal with everything seemed like a sensible plan; Chloe had a lot of thoughts and feelings she needed to figure out.

"Yes, I'm sure. I think being on my own tonight will do some good. And thanks for looking after Lucy tonight, I think it's best me and Beca talk things out tomorrow on our own, you know?"

Chloe caught a glimpse of her daughter smiling through the passenger window, as she gave her a small wave and a reassuring smile.

"You and Beca have a lot to talk about. But you just need to remember she has stood by you through your darkest time because she loves you, so much, Chloe. Please, just make sure you're honest with her."

"Bree, I have some serious apologising to do. You can't imagine the guilt I feel for shutting her out. I'm not sure I deserve forgiveness, but I just want to speak to my wife, like I should have from the beginning..."

Chloe's voice cracked a little, before she took a deep breath.

"No more crying!" she smiled, looking up and running a finger under each of her eyes.

Aubrey simply squeezed her hand and returned the smile. She made her way to the driver's door and Chloe back to the house.

Before she started the engine, Aubrey rolled down her window.

"Chloe?"

The redhead turned around.

"It's nice to have you back."

 **XXX**

Beca woke up with a pounding headache and a moment of disorientation. She had been dreaming about waking up in her bedroom to Chloe and Lucy, a feeling of happiness surging through her body was snatched away when she opened her eyes to the familiar surroundings of a hotel room.

Alone.

She sat up to an overwhelming need to vomit, instantly regretting the whiskey last night.

That's when she remembered the events from the night before. The sudden urge to vomit took over and she's certain it wasn't due to the alcohol anymore.

How could she have been so stupid?

Before she had another second to replay her mistakes, she was already on her feet and diving onto the bathroom floor, leaning her head over the toilet bowl. After a couple of minutes, she leaned her back against the bath tub, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

Beca closed her eyes, piecing together the information from last night and running over the details one by one. Why didn't she just call it a night earlier? Why did she follow Rachel into the room?

A loud buzzing from the bedside table distracted her thoughts; she pushed them to the back of her mind; making her way to the ringing phone.

 _Aubrey._

"Hello?"

"Hey, how's Atlanta?"

She had a flashback of sitting at the hotel bar lobby last night, suddenly hyper aware of the taste of vomit in the back of her throat.

"Fine" Beca replied quickly.

Aubrey's hesitation on the other end of the phone made her continue in fear of being found out.

"How are things with you?"

"Good. Work is work. Jessie is still my lovable nerd. Everything with me is exactly the same as it was yesterday before you left."

Before Beca could read too much into her reply, Aubrey started another sentence.

"Have you heard from Chloe?"

 _Chloe._

Beca felt a great amount of guilt raise up insider her, sending a shiver down her spine. She could feel her eyes stinging with unshed tears, why did she let last night happen?

"No, we kind of spoke last night on the phone, but you know how she is" Beca deadpanned.

"I think you should call her again, today. Well as soon as you end this call actually."

"Aubrey, what's going on? Is she OK? Is Lucy-"

Aubrey cut her off, "They're fine, Becs."

Beca exhaled deeply, the sudden sense of fear and panic leaving her body.

"Late last night, she... Beca, I think I finally got through to her. She just- we talked and she broke down. I don't want you to get your hopes up, but maybe she's finally coming around."

Beca dropped down onto the bed, unable to speak. She always hoped Chloe would come to her senses. At first, she thought it was temporary; the shock and the grief were all too much for Beca, never mind Chloe. But as time went on and the more months passed by, Beca began to doubt and her hope dissipated...

Beca remembers the sadness and the heartbreak etched into her wife's face the first month. It was like she'd given up and refused to go on. Beca tried everything to comfort her, but Chloe made it impossible. The moment she reached out; a touch of her hand, a hug, a good-night kiss; the redhead shied away, leaving Beca completely lost.

When Chloe finally started talking to Lucy again, Beca was sure she was on her way to getting back to normal - well as normal as things could be - but she was wrong and the hope of having her wife back again slowly faded away with each passing day she wasn't mentally 'there'.

"What did she say?"

Her voice was barely a whisper; a number of emotions consumed her.

"Is she OK?"

"Honestly, no. She's an emotional wreck right now, but that's a good thing. It means she's finally coming to grips with everything and dealing with her pain. I know you hate when I give a professional opinion, but this is progress, Beca. I think she's ready to grieve and try to move on."

There was a long pause on the other end of the line.

"Beca, are you there?" Aubrey asked.

"I'm here" she replied instinctively. "When did this happen? I spoke to her last night and she's didn't sound..." Beca trailed off, remembering the hurt she felt when Chloe pushed her away, again.

"It was after. Look, Becs, I have to go, Chloe needs me. I'll call you later, alright? Speak soon."

With that Aubrey was gone and the line was dead. Beca couldn't help feel another jolt of despair at the blonde's words.

"Chloe needs me."

There was a time Chloe only ever wanted Beca when she was upset. Back in college, after having her nodes removed, the redhead locked herself in her dorm for four days, only granting Beca access inside. They watched Chloe's favourite movies and ate takeout whilst camped out on the sofa. It was around the time both of them were in denial about their feelings for one another, but definitely a contributing factor to Beca's later revelation of realising the way she felt about Chloe wasn't as platonic as she thought it was.

There was something about the way Chloe's body fit hers when they cuddled, or how Beca's heart would flutter when Chloe rested her head against her shoulder. The butterflies in her stomach when Chloe would laugh at her silly joke, and the strong feeling of happiness knowing Beca was the one to put a smile back on her face.

But now, in a time so desperate, Beca wasn't what Chloe wanted. She let out a long sigh, contemplating what to do. Resisting the urge to call her wife seemed impossible, until Beca remembered the guilt; calling Chloe now wasn't wise.

She got to her feet and began getting dressed.

Deal with work now and Chloe later. The hope for Chloe was returning, but the regret resonated with her, both emotions joining together hand in hand.

Beca kept up appearances at work and met her clients at a restaurant near-by to the hotel. A congrats, the signing of papers and a toast, along with a complimentary meal from the company was the typical bells and whistles the recording company liked to use when signing new talent; Beca also spent adequate time kissing their ass; because flattery is music to a recently signed musician's ears.

The brunette loved her job, always has, always will. Working in the music industry was always her dream; she'd produced some albums here and there, but eventually she lost touch with her first love for mixing. Once Beca had been at the company for long enough to build up her reputation, she moved to a different department. Scouting new talent was a much more rewarding job for Beca; the power to hear an artist's music in its rarest form and the goose bumps that came with it – offering someone a record deal was such an elating experience and when it went to someone Beca felt deserved it made her fall in love with her job even more.

The band here in Atlanta though lacked an ingredient Beca couldn't quite put her finger on - not to mention the lead singer was a complete ass, who; in Beca's opinion; didn't deserve this golden opportunity to be giving to him so lightly.

She smiled her way through the dinner and finally returned to the confines of her hotel room. Without the distraction of work, Beca was left to run through last night's events again and again. The regret was clouding any other possible coherent thought and all she could do was sit on the end of the bed, wishing she could just take it all back.

After an hour passed by, Beca realised she'd backed her bag and cleaned the room unconsciously whilst she thought about her options. A few minutes later she was in the hotel lobby and checking out.

It was time to go home and face the music. What she had done was stupid and she would literally give anything to undo the night before. Unfortunately, that wasn't an option. The brunette wracked her brain for the explanation she undoubtedly owed her wife.

The time in the airport was unclear, as Beca spent the entire time stuck inside her own head. The moment she heard the announcement for her delayed flight over the tenor, she switched off her phone and joined the queue at the gate.

One thing was clear after her business trip in Atlanta, she loved Chloe so much and making their marriage work was something she would commit her every waking second to.

If Chloe could forgive her.

Beca handed over her boarding pass.

She wasn't sure she could forgive herself.

 **XXX**

The vodka stung her lips as Chloe finished off the liquid in her glass. She hadn't touched a drop of alcohol in almost a year, but it felt nice to feel the familiar burn warm her throat. The phone was still clutched to her chest with Beca's number already saved on the screen.

Chloe set the glass down, before staring at the numbers on the screen. It wasn't because she didn't want to call her, because she did, _she really did;_ Chloe was just unsure of what to say or where to begin. Beca had reached out to her last night over the phone and in that moment Chloe dismissed it and ended the call. She knows Beca's confession was the reason for her breakdown later that evening; Chloe finally realised she wanted to say "I miss you too" for the first time in what felt like a life time, but she had gotten so use to shutting Beca out, that she retreated to old habits.

 _She was such a disappointment._

Ever since they had met, Chloe had slipped through Beca's boundaries one by one, each wall was carefully dismantled and Chloe was finally allowed to see all of Beca and the love she felt for the other woman was stronger than she could ever have imagined. From the moment they had crossed paths at the activities fair at Barden, the redhead was drawn to Beca for reasons she couldn't quite explain; an unnatural feeling embedded in her gut completely new and unknown – it wasn't until Beca kissed her by the pool at the Bella house years later, that Chloe realised what that feeling was and everything in the world felt right. She'd never fallen for someone like that, or felt such intense feelings from the moment they had met; that's when Chloe knew Beca was the one.

After everything was in the open and their feelings for each other were finally expressed, their relationship went from strength to strength and gradually Beca opened herself up to Chloe, but there was still certain things she wouldn't delve too deep into.

On the morning of their wedding day, Chloe had made Beca promise she would never shut her out. A conversation over the phone (in order to stick to tradition) twenty minutes before they were due to start the ceremony, Chloe made her wife-to-be promise that she would give herself completely and surrender everything, just like she had done to Beca.

They both agreed and Beca kept her promise.

But now Chloe was the one going back on her own word; she'd shut Beca out for months now, how could she have broken her own promise?

Chloe needed to start making amends, and quickly. So she pressed the call button and waited for the dialling tone.

 _Answer phone, shit._

"Hi, it's me. I was just calling- Lucy is staying at Aubrey's tonight, so if you want to speak to her, you should call Bree..."

This wasn't what she called to say. She was about to end the call when she just stopped using her head and let her heart take over.

"I miss you. When you asked me if I miss you last night, I shut you out, again. I miss you so much and I'm so very sorry for how I've been acting. It's just we were going to have a son, Bec, I wanted our happy ending so much..."

She paused, letting a sob echo through the receiver. A shaky breath and a moment later, she managed to continue.

"We need to talk. When you get back tomorrow, not now, over the phone; I owe you so much more than that. Just call me back when you get this or we can speak at home tomorrow morning. I love you, Beca."

 **XXX**


	4. Chapter 4

The sudden jolt of the wheels hitting the runway startled Beca awake. She can't quite remember when she fell asleep, but judging by the unopened cellophane of her meal, she had been out the duration of the flight. People began to shuffle in their seats, others removing their seatbelt; despite the pilot's advice; but Beca stayed still, taking a few minutes to collect her thoughts.

It was a two hour long car journey back home and back to her family and she needed time to compose and prepare herself for the inevitable once she got back to the house. There was no way she could lie to Chloe, she never had and she wasn't going to start now. Chloe had a right to know - whatever her decision, Beca would have to accept it.

Her mind couldn't help but wander to the thoughts of being separated or getting a divorce and how that would affect Lucy. After her own parent's messy divorce she swore she would never do that to her own wife and daughter; turns out Beca is just the same sorry excuse of a spouse and a parent as her Father was. Her eyes began to water, but she wiped them away and fished her phone out of her pocket.

Beca pressed the power button and turned flight mode off, waiting for any messages. Before she had a chance to thoroughly check, the plane was at a standstill and, as always, every passenger aboard attempted to leave all at once.

It wasn't long until Beca was in the backseat of a cab, nervously chewing her nails. The driver had tried to make conversation - it seemed despite the late hour, he was still intent on talking more than just pleasantries – but Beca quite plainly asked for silence; "it's been a long flight...".

The more miles she seemed to travel, the more she began comparing herself to her Father, but silently crying in the back of a dark taxi was way more discrete than losing it on a busy and well-lit aircraft. The guilt and regret had become constant now, but the feeling of self-disappointment was new and even more crippling.

Beca remembers the first time she overheard her parents arguing when she was younger. They made no attempt to lower their volume and by the time she was a teenager, disagreements last thing before bed was normal routine. It wasn't until she was fifteen when she overheard the pivotal argument between her Mom and Dad that changed her childhood forever.

" _How long have you been fucking her?"_

That sentence was burned into her memory for a long time. The deep hurt and venom in her Mother's question echoed inside her head when she slept. Beca took her Dad's infidelity and her parent's divorce hard, but she made damn sure not to show it. Expressing a hate for her Father was probably the "coping mechanism" Aubrey so frequently (and annoyingly) liked to refer to.

But Beca does genuinely dislike her Father. The man never paid attention to his daughter prior to moving to another state with his secretary; they were just two different kinds of people that sat at different ends of the spectrum. Now he resides in New York, with his new family and sometimes sends Lucy a card at Birthdays and Christmases if he remembers...

She hated that the most. In fact, it would always cause her foul mood in the mornings of those special occasions. Beca couldn't care less if he acted like a Father, but he could at least be a half decent grandfather to her daughter...

Lucy's fourth birthday last year was the final straw for Beca. Although he had managed to remember to send a card that year and it actually arrived in the mail a day early, the card quite clearly wished Lucy a Happy second Birthday printed on the front and scribbled inside with her Father's sloppy handwriting.

Beca wasted no time calling him at his New York office demanding an explanation for his ignorance to his own Granddaughter; the granddaughter he had actually never even met. Mr Mitchell would have said they shared a heated discussion, but Beca would strongly disagree. In order to participate in a 'heated discussion' both parties would have to care about the subject.

Chloe had pulled the phone from her wife's hand and pressed the end call button as soon as it was in her grasp; she hated seeing Beca waste her time and emotion on her Father, who quite clearly didn't deserve it. Beca angrily paced the hallway in silence, before the redhead pulled her in for a hug.

"He doesn't deserve it. Not you, not Lucy, none of it."

Chloe's breath tickled her ear, as Beca let out a sigh, melting into Chloe's touch, the comforting words ringing in her ears. She solely focussed on the sound of Chloe's heartbeat, taking a few deep breaths.

"Why do you have to be so wise?" she lightly chuckled.

Chloe smiled.

"I've never met your Dad and you know how I hate speaking badly of anyone, but he's a total bastard."

Beca laughed, before gently pulling away to look into Chloe's eyes.

"He can treat me like shit, in fact he pretty much always has, but I won't stand for it when he treats you and Lucy like shit too. _You_ don't deserve it!" she emphasised the word "you", by gently tapping Chloe's chest.

"Forget it. Lucy will. I have. It's our daughter's Birthday, don't let him ruin it."

Chloe wrapped her arms around Beca's neck, pulling them closer. Beca felt Chloe brush her nose lovingly against hers before adding "OK?"

The smaller woman simply nodded and repeated a quiet "OK" before closing the distance.

Beca's memory slowly faded away, as the car began to pull up outside a familiar house. She pulled some money from her pocket and stepped onto the sidewalk with her duffle bag.

The car drove away and her feet remained glued to the same spot of concrete refusing to move. There were two conflicting emotions inside her chest right now; part of her happy to be home and the other half willing her to spend the night in a near-by motel. Delaying the inevitable wasn't going to make the pain any less – it was time to quickly rip off the band aid and asses the wound.

She took a step forward.

And another.

 **XXX**

Saying those words out loud had a strange lifting feeling; like coming home after a long trip or a light breeze on a hot summer's day. Even if they weren't said to Beca's face, knowing Beca had heard them (she hoped) reduced part of the weight she'd been carrying since the miscarriage. Deep down Chloe always knew Beca was the one that would get her through, but she wasn't ready for that.

Until now.

Chloe finally felt ready to get through this and try to move on, with Beca by her side.

Earlier this afternoon, she was worried about Beca's return in the morning. She really wanted to see her, but the idea of greeting the wife she'd ignored for so long was scary. The doubt and uncertainty was lingering in the back of her mind; what if Beca turned her away? She couldn't blame her; Chloe had basically been a stranger in their home these past few months, Beca had every right to push her away.

But after leaving that voicemail, she felt a strong need for Beca to be here with her. There was that old sense of excitement burning inside of her just to see the other woman in the flesh and look at her; really look at her. To feel that love take over every emotion in her body and see the true beauty that is Beca Mitchell. Above anything, she just really wanted to hold her and feel her lips on hers again.

She remembers the first time they kissed; it was spontaneous and unexpected, not to mention completely initiated by Beca. Their relationship had always blurred the lines between romantic and platonic – hand holding and kisses on checks gradually became more frequent, as time went on their flirting was more daring, and both of them falling asleep alone in their own beds for the night was a distant memory. But their feelings were always left unsaid. Chloe can recall many occasions where she was on the cusp of kissing her, or letting the words she so desperately wanted to say escape her lips, but she never did.

For Chloe, Beca started out as a crush, but the feelings manifested into something so much more and when she finally came to terms with the depths of said feelings the redhead knew she was in deep; she learnt far too quickly that falling in love with your best friend can complicate the friendship considerably.

It started with reading too much into Beca's sarcastic innuendos, or over-analysing Beca reaching for her hand first when they walked around campus. But Chloe bottled up her true feelings in fear of losing their friendship.

Two months shy of graduation, Chloe was sat on one of the sun loungers around the pool. The Bella's were constantly coming and going from the house and she just wanted to read her book in silence; it was warm for a late afternoon; so she ventured to the backyard. Chloe got so lost in the pages of her book, that it wasn't until it was completely dark she'd realised she had been losing daylight. Adamant to finish the last few pages, she activated the torch on her phone and scrambled to turn the pages.

That's when she spotted Beca, coyly perching on the end of lounger, her dark blue eyes reflecting off the pool water. She broke the silence with a respectful whisper.

"How many pages?"

"Two" Chloe replied, returning her attention back to the printed words in front of her.

"Go ahead, finish. I'll wait."

Beca smiled fondly, as the redhead did as she was instructed. A silence settled over them, as the brunette made herself more comfortable, pulling her legs off the floor and crossing them underneath her.

All sense of time was lost when Beca was making a mix. Once the inspiration hits, she has to finish the track before she's able to shut off the laptop. Beca was never really much of a reader, but she imagines that's the same feeling Chloe gets when she's reading a good book; albeit a few minor details. Chloe had once told her when she reads a good book, "Finishing the chapter or the end of a page becomes more of a need and less of a desire for me" and Beca can respect that.

After a few more moments, Chloe closed the book shut and sat up, greeting her with a smile.

"Good ending?" Beca asked, moving closer.

"Meh, could have been better" she shrugged, readjusting her position to mirror Beca's, "What's up?"

"Nothing. Can I not come out to talk to my best friend?" Beca asked, her voice sickly sweet, rising in volume once she got near the end of her sentence. The added light bump to Chloe's arm didn't help the 'play it cool' image she was trying to maintain.

"OK. What's happening right now?" Chloe laughed, flashing a pointed stare at the out of character woman before her.

"You know, it's almost graduation, people are moving on, and life is around the corner. I'm moving to LA and you- the Bella's are all going off to do your own thing... Lately I've wanted to just appreciate time with you guys more, so I thought I'd come out and say "hi" you know?"

"Careful, Beca, you're beginning to sound like you might actually miss Barden!" Chloe joked, lightly smacking Beca's thigh.

She rolled her eyes in response, trying not to focus on the fact that Chloe hadn't moved her hand away.

"Not so much Barden and more so the people, but don't tell anyone..." Beca smirked, boldly putting her hand atop of Chloe's. Today she had done a lot of thinking about the future and her feelings for her best friend; still unsure if they were reciprocated, but with graduation fast approaching, Beca knew they were on a time crunch, so it was in her last lecture of the day she decided to just go home, find Chloe and tell her exactly how she feels; it was now or never.

Chloe faltered for a second, when the DJ showed no sign of moving her hand away.

"Wouldn't want to ruin your badass persona..." she retorted, her voice instinctively lowering, the way it always did when they started their usual back and forth banter/ unofficial flirting.

"When it comes to us, I think it's safe to say it's already ruined. Especially..." Beca paused, before shuffling closer and placing both hands on Chloe's thighs "...If I did this..."

The brunette continued to lean closer, before she placed a soft kiss to Chloe's lips. They stayed like that for a few seconds before Beca pulled away, doubting her bold decision.

Chloe couldn't figure out what was happening. At first it looked like Beca was going to kiss her and then suddenly Beca was _actually kissing her_. She didn't react straight away, unable to believe this was finally happening. The moment Beca's lips left hers, she wanted them back again – so she surged forward, knocking her book to the ground.

After a couple of minutes, they broke apart, hearts racing and breaths laboured. Chloe let out a giggle, as Beca looked intently at her, running her forefinger over her own lips.

"You're pretty damn smooth when you want to be. You know that, Becs?"

She laughed before reaching out for Chloe's hand.

Beca smiled shyly before replying.

"This is the part where I tell you I kind of, like, really, really love you..."

Chloe will never forget that kiss. Unbeknown to her then, that night was the start of the rest of her life and she is nowhere near ready to give that up.

 **XXX**

The driveway was cold under Beca's jeans. She'd gotten three quarters of the driveway up before she took a seat. The brunette had been staring at a picture of a new born Lucy in Chloe's arms for a while now, absent-mindedly rubbing her thumb over her iPhone screen.

The amount of worry and constant thinking was taking its toll and Beca was beginning to just space out, unable to focus on anything for too long before she plunged back into her thoughts. It was then she noticed the voicemail icon on her phone, not entirely sure if it had been there the first time she checked it on the plane.

Beca tapped at the device and brought the phone to her ear.

She listened to Chloe's message intently, each word absorbed by her brain. It was crazy to think the moment Beca heard the opening three words how distinctively they sounded so, Chloe...

Like old Chloe before... she decided not to finish that. Beca sat on the cold ground, replaying the message over and over; analysing the way Chloe's voice cracked at the end of the sentence and the strangled sob that crackled through the silence; or the moment Chloe's unsteady breath makes Beca want to burst through the door and hold her tightly, never to let her go.

But instead, she stays, outside her own home, unable to act on her feelings. If Beca would have talked to this Chloe early last night, she's one hundred percent sure things would have panned out differently, but she can't think like that.

...Because that's not fair.

Beca had imagined the amount of joy and happiness she would feel once Chloe spoke to her the way she used to. How the relief would wash over her, cleaning away all of the doubt and pain of the past few months. This was the moment she had dreamed about for so long, hoping for day and night, that it would happen soon.

Right now was that exact moment.

But it was tainted. All Beca could feel was the crippling guilt and remorse of her previous actions weighing her down and pulling her further and further away from her family and forcing her closer and closer to the ways of her poor excuse of a Father.

She couldn't cry anymore; she no longer felt she had the right to.

 **XXX**

Chloe sprawled out on the sofa, turning on the television purely for some background noise. Half heartedly flicking through the channels, but keeping a firm grip on her phone just in case Beca called or sent her a text.

In fact it had been so long since they had sent a text to each other, Chloe couldn't actually remember the last time she received a message from Beca. They always spoke over the phone and Chloe was never the one to call first anymore. There was another wave of guilt, as she reflected on her poor communication with everyone lately. In order to distract herself, Chloe pulled up her and Beca's message thread, reading the last message she received and replied to almost four months ago.

 **Beca [10:46am]: You better be sat down with your feet up when I get home or else I'm not going to be happy ;P.**

 **Chloe [10:47am] I'm pregnant, not injured! But I promise I'll take it easy. See you after work X**

Chloe felt her heart sink. Reading messages from a much happier time caused a tear to drip down her cheek, but she wiped it away and locked her phone. She rested a hand on her stomach, remembering the bump that was once there.

A flashback of blood stained sheets and a worried looking Beca in the early hours of the morning flooded her mind, followed by bright hospital lights and the sense of blind panic that ran through her veins.

Chloe can't quite remember how long it took the doctors to tell the three of them huddled in an ER cubicle the life shattering news, she just remembers the cries that left her body. She instinctively reached for Beca and buried her head in her chest, the tears dampening her night shirt. Lucy was stood in her pyjamas, confused, clinging to Beca's hand, unsure why her parents were so distraught.

She shook that memory away, desperately trying to compose herself. Eventually the emotional strain of the day took over and Chloe was slowly drifting asleep, the lulling of the TV in the background but her bad memories never straying too far.

 **XXX**

Beca slowly turned her key in the lock, hesitating at the door and peering inside the hallway. She could hear the TV and see the dim light coming from the living room. It was now half past midnight, the life in the house causing her surprise. Chloe was always in bed for around ten and she had really hoped that was where she would be now.

Beca quietly set her bag by the door and stepped out of her shoes, before slowing making her way to the sitting room. She needed some time before she spoke to her wife, she was still processing her own feelings, and hearing the voicemail outside; she just needed to sleep on things and talk in the morning.

Once she rounded the corner and entered the room, she spotted Chloe passed out on the sofa, an empty glass and a bottle of vodka on the coffee table. Her heart immediately sank at the sight of the alcohol, suddenly replaying the message in her mind – she shook her head.

 _Chloe was drunk when she left it._

After a closer inspection, Beca realised the bottle was still full and looked almost untouched from the last time she opened it a few days before she left for Atlanta. She let out a sigh of relief, taking the remote and turning the TV off. A gentle tug on the throw at the back of the sofa was all she needed to free the blanket and drape it over Chloe's sleeping form. That's when she noticed her under eyes were puffy and her nose red; it was evident she had been crying – the box of tissues accompanying the vodka made her think for quite a while too. But despite everything, Beca couldn't help but think how beautiful her wife looked laying on their couch.

She let her mind wander back to her conversation with Aubrey on the phone earlier that day.

"She's an emotional wreck right now."

It had been a while since she's witnessed Chloe cry. At the beginning; they cried together, huddled under the sheets of their bed, just holding one another. But soon Beca realised she had to be strong; start getting back up with Lucy in the mornings and take her to school. Go back to work and start putting food back on the table; as much as she didn't want it to, life had to go on...

Looking back on it, that's probably around the time Chloe gave up. The tears still fell, a constant tear trail painted on her face, but eventually they just stopped and Chloe stopped being Chloe and started shutting everyone one.

Beca can recall the times she'd creep upstairs after an argument and get back into bed. For a while, seeing Chloe sleep peacefully unable to feel the pain was her favourite image of her wife. Although she's ashamed to admit it, Beca would carefully place an arm around the sleeping redhead and rest her chin on her shoulder. Some nights she just needed that contact she so desperately craved; she would spend a minute or two breathing in her familiar scent, eyes closed, imagining everything was how it used to be between them. But eventually Beca would have to let go and move back to her side off the bed, the colder sheets feeling harsh on her skin.

Beca slowly lowered herself down onto the end of the couch and lifting Chloe's legs out of the way. Once she was sat down, she placed them onto her own and let out a sigh. She absent-mindedly ran a circle on Chloe's ankle with her thumb, as she leaned her head back into the cushion and closed her eyes.

The legs resting on her knees began to move, causing Beca to quickly still her movements, squeezing her eyes shut.

"Beca?"

Her heart rate spiked at the sound of her wife's voice, unsure of her mood or how to begin apologising for breaching her personal space. She opened her eyes to see Chloe now sat up and moving closer. The brunette offered a small smile, before she was engulfed in a tight hug.

The action took her by surprise and Beca tensed, her body rigid and arms trapped in the embrace. She attempted to relax, until Chloe pulled away.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have hugged you without asking..." the redhead deadpanned, moving away, trying to put some space between them.

Beca caught on to what she was doing and instinctively put a hand on her forearm. She could feel that all too familiar tension between them as soon as she reached out for her, but it was brushed off. She actually really needed that hug; it just caught her off guard – that was all.

"Since when did you ask?" she replied, attempting to ease some of that tension.

At first Chloe smiled; a real smile; but as quickly as it glimmered in the light, it disappeared and she suddenly looked upset. Beca moved her hand from her arm, before interlocking their fingers. The redhead squeezed it and she suddenly felt butterflies erupt inside her stomach, until the guilt returned and she remembered what she did the night before.

"You said 'did' not 'do'" Chloe whispered.

Beca gave her a confused look, before she continued.

"Since when did I ask?" she repeated, looking down at their joined hands.

"You know that's not fair..." Beca warned, her voice still calm.

"I know that's not what I meant. It just pains me to know how difficult I've been ever since..." she trailed off.

Beca gave her hand a comforting squeeze this time and Chloe continued, changing the subject.

"Did you get my message?"

"Yeah, I got it" Beca nodded slowly, "and I love you too."

"I don't deserve you."

"Over these last couple of months, Chlo, I'd have to agree..."

Beca regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth; how could she say that knowing what she's done?

Chloe started speaking again and Beca stopped thinking.

"I was numb, but I was hurting at the same time. I couldn't talk to you because I knew all the emotions I was holding in would come bursting out. I didn't want to feel t again, Beca, it was all too much."

There was a pause and a slight nod of the head from Beca, before she continued.

"I just need you to know how deeply sorry and regretful I am for being so cold to you all the time. I don't think you'll ever understand the amount of guilt I feel for hurting you. I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry..."

Beca couldn't help it, but she pulled Chloe in for another hug. She could hear the sniffles in her ear and feel the tight grip Chloe had around her waist. It was nice to feel the redhead relax into her touch, instead of turning away – in fact Chloe was hugging her like she was never going to let go. The cries got a little louder before they subsided, but Beca needed to feel the embrace a little longer.

In the end, the DJ let go and settled back into the couch, lifting her arm, motioning Chloe to snuggle into her side. Without hesitation, the other woman was there, resting her head on her shoulder and reaching to lace her fingers in Beca's.

It was nice how familiar it all felt and for a short while Beca imagined nothing had changed and they had been cuddling on the couch like this every night since they got back from the hospital. But she knew she had to come back to reality eventually, so she broke the silence.

"I've missed this. Well, you more in particular. I've missed everything about us and our relationship. I needed this-" she gestured to the both of them "just a hug."

Chloe sighed.

"I didn't know I missed you until last night, when I finally realised I was losing you..."

 **XXX**


	5. Chapter 5

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN PITCH PERFECT OR THE CHARACTERS. ALL WORDS AND MISTAKES ARE THAT OF MY OWN.**

 **XXX**

Chloe remembers how they use to be; a relationship so strong and solid, she felt nothing could break it. For a while, she lost her way and believed that perhaps she and Beca's marriage couldn't withstand _everything._ But she was slowly coming to realise that what they had was something she most definitely couldn't lose.

From the second Beca had sat next to her on the couch, Chloe couldn't help but feel hopeful; hope she hadn't felt in so long was sitting comfortably in the pit of her stomach – because Beca was still there and had just told her she loved her.

Chloe felt a million familiar feelings that only Beca could awaken rush over her all at once. Heart pounding ten beats a second, that strange flipy-flopy feeling, along with the love and appreciation for everything that the other woman is.

Chloe couldn't help but let her mind drift back to their college days - where everything felt contently comfortable one minute and completely the opposite the next.

Beca's second year as a Bella saw them both as co-captains upon Aubrey graduating. Another look at the choreography for their semi-final performance needed some extra work, leading the two to pull an all-nighter in attempt to work out some of kinks. It ended in the local diner near-by campus in the dim light of the early morning. They suddenly got lost in conversation over coffee and bagels, both unaware of the game of the footsy under the table. It wasn't until Chloe absent-mindedly let her foot wonder a little further up in the inside of Beca's calf, that caused both of them to crash back to reality in a splutter of nervous mumbles and clearing of throats, followed by Beca making a swift exit to "hand in an assignment" at five-thirty in morning.

The first hug reminded her of college Beca; when things occurred naturally, until one of them made a bold move, resulting in Beca taking off. The way Beca stiffened under Chloe's touch made her think all the progress they had made over the years had been so easily undone. But the second? That hug felt like nothing had ever changed.

Once she was curled into Beca's side, Chloe was aware of how desperately she needed the contact. She let out a sigh, before the brunette broke the silence.

"I miss him too."

Those four words made Chloe tense momentarily, before relaxing again. She knew they needed to have this conversation, but it required her actually holding it together in order to have it. Instead of replying, she gave Beca's thigh a reassuring squeeze, signalling her to go on, whilst she mentally prepared herself for the next sentence.

"I know it's been difficult, for all of us, but I just really want to talk about our son with you. I need to, you know?"

Chloe nodded.

"I was living on cloud nine from the moment we found out you were pregnant again. You and Lucy are my whole life and you make me so insanely happy, but to find out we were going to have a new addition to our little family, made everything even more perfect."

Beca took a breath before continuing; partly to give Chloe a chance to interject, but mainly to get a handle on her own emotions.

"I wanted to see Lucy's face when she first met her little brother and I wanted those sleepless nights and smelly diapers again. I was looking forward to hearing you sing him to sleep and those cliché brother/sister outfits I knew you so desperately wanted to buy. Seeing his face, holding his hand, hearing him laugh and cry – I wanted everything to be perfect, but for whatever reason..."

Chloe let out a trembling breath, one that Beca both heard and felt – she decided not to delve to deep into it right now.

"Look, I just really want us to try and get past this. I'm not seeing we should forget and move on, because I don't think we ever really will, but I can't continue our marriage like this, Chlo. I just want you back."

Chloe nodded again, before finding her voice. "I miss him, so very much, even though we never got the chance to meet him. I've come to terms with the fact that we'll never get him back and I'm trying to deal with that right now." Her voice was a little strained, but she continued. "But I'm ready to work on our relationship; I can't stand and watch us fall apart any longer. I fucked up and I want nothing more than to fix it, because I can't lose you, Beca, I don't think I'll ever get over you if you leave me..."

Beca wasn't sure if it was the passion in the redhead's voice or the fact that she had actually maintained eye contact from start to finish of her sentence. Or maybe it was the way the not so often used curse word tumbled from her lips - Either way Beca felt herself surging forward and kissing the oh so familiar lips in front of her.

For what could have been a second or several minutes, she felt all the worry fade away; the spark inflaming the missing light inside her only Chloe could ignite.

Chloe's mouth on hers; the tongue that was now brushing against her lip and the tight grip on her shirt, pulling her closer – it all contributed to the warm and relaxing feeling warming her body at the contact she had craved for what felt like forever suddenly in her grasp. It was everything she wanted it to be; the kiss was sweet and loving, but passionate and heated all at the same time.

Kissing Rachel last night was nothing like this, because kissing Chloe had always been a completely different experience from any other form of lip locking she had had with anyone else. There was an unspoken need and want in their kisses, as well as a deep love that made Beca feel temporarily dazed and confused. Chloe's kisses were the real deal and as she had known that all along; nobody else could compare to the feeling swimming around her chest right now.

She had almost got lost in the moment, until she let her mind catch up with her thoughts.

She was intimate with someone else other than her wife last night and now she was thinking about that whilst kissing Chloe. That was fucked up; even by Beca's standards.

She pulled away, leaving Chloe breathless and confused.

"What's wrong?" the redhead worried, frantically searching Beca's eyes. "Did I-"

"I need to tell you something" Beca rushed, nervously shifting away from Chloe's touch.

"OK?"

Although Chloe's tone was calm, it came out more of a question, the 'k' said in a higher register.

Beca fiddled nervously with her fingers sitting in her lap, unsure of what to say. Chloe waited patiently, but when she reached out a hand to grab Beca's, the DJ hurriedly moved it away. The guilt was back again; in full force, remorse sitting firmly on her windpipe, stopping any form of words from leaving her mouth.

"Babe, what's wrong?"

Her heart sank. Chloe hadn't called her "babe" since the miscarriage. She remembers feeling butterflies in her stomach the first time the redhead had used the term of endearment, but now they were lifeless, their wings broken and hiding in the dark shadows of shame in her stomach.

"I can't-"

Beca couldn't finish the sentence. Two words were all she managed before the tears started to fall and the lump in her throat stopped her from speaking. She placed her head in her hands, unable to look the other woman in the eye. It was incredible to see how far Chloe had come in a matter of hours; Beca felt like she was the sledge hammer that was about to demolish all the progress that had been so quickly constructed.

"Please, just talk to me. Whatever it is, we can get through it." Chloe placed on an arm around the smaller woman's shoulders, rubbing comforting circles on her back.

Beca so desperately wanted to believe that. From the way the words were spoken, the brunette could hear the sincerity within them, but when someone is unaware of the magnitude of a problem, those words are always spoken honestly.

"I..."

Chloe's hand gripping at hers made Beca stop. It was warm and a little clammy, but the way it was wrapped around Beca's reminded her of the way Rachel's hand had dragged her into her hotel room the night before.

"I cheated on you."

Beca always thought she'd been unable to say those words. When mentally preparing where to possibly begin, she imagined it would be a whisper or a mumble. Once they were spoken they couldn't be unsaid or taken back and they would change everything between them, forever.

But in the moment they came out as a shout; her inner battle was becoming too much and she knew she just had to get the words out, before she lost her nerve.

The small circles on her back stopped and the tight grip on her hand loosened. Although Chloe didn't move away, Beca suddenly felt cold – like there was an emotional loss of contact she couldn't and didn't want to think about right now.

Beca dared a glance at Chloe's face. Her expression was unreadable at first, before a faint smile appeared.

"OK."

 _OK?_

The DJ looked deeper into her wife's eyes, trying to figure out what was going on in her head. Surely after seven years of marriage nothing about this situation could be "OK" right now. She was about to speak, before Chloe moved away and ran a hand through her hair.

"OK" she repeated, nodding her head a few times. Her smile had faded, eyes trained on the coffee table in front of them.

"It's not OK." Beca managed to choke out, quickly wiping away the tears and rubbing her hands on her jeans. "What I did is so far from OK right now."

Chloe finally brought her eyes back to Beca's, resting her chin on her hands. There was the trace of another smile, before she was on her feet and grabbing the vodka bottle and empty glass from the table, making her way to the kitchen.

Beca remained frozen on the couch, knowing Chloe's reassuring smile didn't meet her eyes; it was different. The reassuring smile reserved only for Beca was strained, the fact that it was barely there gave her an indication of how Chloe finally understood the magnitude of the problem. But she could tell the older woman was trying to keep her emotions in check, causing her to feel a sudden surge of worry – reading body language was never a strong suite of hers and Chloe always made her feelings known; which was probably why they worked so well together (or use to? ...)

Suddenly the thought of her wife crying alone in the kitchen made her snap into motion.

The redhead placed the glass in the dishwasher and returned the bottle into a cupboard, turning to lean against the counter, facing a nervous Beca at the doorway.

"Tell me what happened."

Beca let out a trembling breath, and then made her way to lean against the counter opposite.

"It was a mistake."

The words slipped through her lips before she had time to process how to start her explanation, but she needed to say them. Judging by the look on Chloe's face it was the wrong thing to say. The older woman let out a sigh, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Beca, just tell me - from start to finish – I want to know every detail."

Chloe's tone was harsher than before. It was still even, but it was demanding, with a hint of annoyance.

"It's not even close to an excuse, because I haven't got one, but I was drunk and upset."

She paused for a response, but when she didn't get one, she continued.

"After our phone call last night, I went down to the bar, intending on getting drunk. It wasn't until my sixth too many, a woman sat down next to me."

"Who was she?"

"I don't know. She said her name was Rachel. I was too fucking drunk to notice she had been hitting on me from the moment she sat down. We talked and-"

"About what?"

"Chloe, I honestly can't remember. I know you want and deserve to know everything, but I truly couldn't tell you. She told me she was on a business trip, for a job I can't remember. She asked if I was married and why I looked sad."

"Did you tell her you had a wife and daughter?"

"Chloe-"

"Beca, did you?"

"Yes. I told her. I'm not sure if that makes it worse or not, but I didn't give her many details, besides she didn't ask that many questions..."

"Then what?"

"She kept touching my leg or grabbing my arm and I just really wanted to feel that kind of contact again. That, and mixed with the alcohol, when she suggested we go up to her room I agreed. It was stupid and wrong and I can't even present you an excuse for my unacceptable behaviour, but I am so, so, so very sorry. I would do anything to undo-"

"What happened after that?" Chloe interrupted.

"I don't think you-"

"What did you do? I want to know. Who made the first move? Was she a good kisser? Who fucked who first? I meant it when I said I want the details, Beca. I have a right to know" she spoke sharply.

"We didn't- I couldn't- She kissed me first. Then I kissed her back, but we didn't have sex, I didn't want- I just couldn't do it."

Chloe turned around to grab a tumbler from the cupboard, before filling it up with water. Beca stood up straight, bracing herself for a response. She anticipated all the possible replies that had been running wild in her mind on the journey home, because she was sure silence wouldn't be an option.

Beca slumped back onto the counter, staring at the back of the other woman's head. How could she be so stupid? Of course it was silence – that had been Chloe's default setting for months now. They had made three months of progress in less than half an hour and Beca had ruined it all, rendering everything they had discussed useless, causing Chloe to revert back to old habits.

Before she had a chance to think of what to do next, Chloe turned, taking a sip from the glass. The silence was falling heavy on them, as the taller woman's eyes locked on Beca's.

"I've never felt so disappointed in myself. You can't begin to understand how sorry I am, but the word sorry doesn't even cut it – I can't believe I was so, so..."

Beca let out a bitter laugh, slamming her hand down on the counter "Fucking stupid!"

Her voice raised and her nostrils flared. The guilt and regret was back, along with the churning feeling in her stomach. The tears were threatening to spill from her eyes once again, but she couldn't cry right now; not in front of Chloe – she deserved so much more than that – so she wiped her eyes before they had a chance to break free.

The light sound of the glass hitting the counter brought Beca's eyes back to Chloe's. They were still red, with a glassy sheen and still unreadable. In the entirety of knowing each other, Chloe's eyes had always been the window to her emotions and with just a quick glance the shorter woman would always know what she was feeling; but right now Beca was at a loss.

Without as much as uttering a word, Chloe was stepping forward and reaching out for Beca's hand. In one swift motion, Beca was being tugged out of the kitchen in silence, as the redhead flicked off the light and began trudging up the stairwell.

Beca couldn't help but feel the tight squeeze wrapped around her left hand; unsure of what it meant. Instead of speaking, she decided to follow Chloe, attempting to quieten the many questions circling around her brain.

Once at the top of the stairs, Chloe pushed the door open to their bedroom and released Beca's hand. Her arm dropped heavily, slapping a thigh, as Beca watched the redhead climb into her side of the bed. She paused by the thresh hold, feeling she no longer had the right to enter their bedroom anymore. Her mouth opened to speak, before Chloe's soft whisper rang out.

"Don't."

The reassuring smile was back, but somehow Beca thought it was the smile she was use to seeing – but she dismissed it, blaming it on the lack of light.

"Stop talking now. Just get into bed. It's late and we're tired."

The brunette decided not to argue, hesitantly making her way towards her side of the mattress. She quickly stepped out of her shoes and slipped off her jeans, before shuffling under the duvet.

"Chloe, I-"

"Becs, just shut up, OK?" Chloe sighed, turning onto her side, as she pulled at Beca's hand and pressed further back into the now very confused DJ. "I've missed you and I want to cuddle right now, like we use to..." she trailed off, as Beca then turned onto her side and pulled the other woman closer.

"We'll talk tomorrow, just sleep."

Beca felt Chloe push the air from her lungs, as she settled further into the embrace. The shorter woman couldn't help but close her eyes and bask in the familiarity of it all, albeit the bizarreness of it and her nagging questions never straying too far from her conscious. Beca took a deep breath, before she boldly intertwined her legs with Chloe's under the sheets. When the redhead shuffled even closer towards her, she decided to follow instructions.

Despite the horrible sense of finality in her wife's behaviour, her eyes grew heavier and the heat off both the duvet and the body resting on hers caused her to drift off easily to sleep, the exhaustion from travelling and worrying soon catching up with her.

 **XXX**

 **A/N – OK, so when I first got the idea for this story, this wasn't the ending I had imagined. It was suppose to be super angsty, where Beca followed through with her actions the night before and Chloe just ended up waking up the next day and their relationship was right back to square one. But hearing everyone's feedback and getting a few PMs I decided to change things a little to make it less dreary and just not as bloody sad! Haha.**

 **There is a final chapter to come, which is sort of an epilogue, and sort of not... But thank you to everybody that took the time to read, fave, follow, and review – At first I really didn't think people would go for this, seen as it is quite dark and raw, but cheers for sticking with it.**

 **Anyways, let me know how you feel about the ending of this chapter. Unrealistic? Bit of a let-down? Greatest thing you've ever read? (I can dream...) Drop me a review =].**

 **Thanks for reading.**

 **P.S JustLettie... So close, dude, so close :D**


	6. Chapter 6

The last four months had been tough for Beca. Living away from her home for so long was difficult to say the least, but she tried not to let it show; after all she only had herself to blame. Once she had left the house, a distraught four year old in her wake, Beca made her way back over to Aubrey and Jesse's – where she had spent the last few months sleeping in their spare bedroom.

A once spacious apartment for two was proving over-crowded once Beca moved her stuff in. Sharing an apartment with her best friends could be a challenge every now and then; being mollycoddled by Aubrey was irritating to say the least and Jesse's constant attempts to get her to "open up over a couple of beers" was getting old; but she knew their hearts were in the right place. After all, they had allowed her to move in, no questions asked and rent free (even though Beca persisted she buy the weekly groceries) and made room for Lucy to play whenever she came over.

Looking back, Beca knows she should have been extremely grateful, but her emotions were all over the place. Although Chloe was open to forgiveness, Beca wasn't quite as forthcoming when it came to forgiving herself. In actual fact, the first month of their "space and time apart", Beca did nothing but wallow in self-pity and pray for the ability to go back in time.

"Beca, you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, it's no longer cute."

Jesse's serious stare and nervous chuckle were the only hints Beca needed to know her best friend was treading carefully - the subject of her marriage was a delicate one these days.

"Dude, you have to stop letting Aubrey put words in your mouth."

Jesse sat back in his chair with a smile and the shake of his head.

The two of them were sat out on the balcony in the obscured glow of quickly fading sunlight; two plastic chairs and a make shift table was all Jesse needed to call it his "back yard", much to Aubrey's annoyance.

"Those are my own words, Becs" he replied quickly.

The shorter woman sat up from her own chair, putting on her best Aubrey impression, "You need to talk to her. You're her best friend, she'll listen to you."

The guilty expression on Jesse's face was enough to egg her on, a smirk sitting comfortably on her lips.

"But, Bree, what do I say?" she whined in a deeper voice, head bobbing side to side, accompanied by a shrug of the shoulders.

"I don't know, you'll figure it out – just tell her to get it together; wallowing Beca isn't cute anymore."

Beca took a swig from her beer, as she watched Jesse roll his eyes, before pulling at a loose thread on his sleeve.

"I heard you guys in the kitchen before dinner. I know you all think I'm pretty dense, but I'm not deaf" she deadpanned.

"Well, Aubrey has a theory about your hearing and your headphones, so..." Jesse smirked, relaxing back into his chair.

Beca merely offered a glare as a response.

"But you know she's right? You need to quite bitching and get your woman back! Have you watched those John Hughes' movies I put in your room yet?"

Ever since Beca had properly moved in, Jesse took it upon himself to stack an empty shelf with potential inspiring movies from his prized DVD collection in order to coax Beca into some sort of epiphany.

She let out a deep sigh.

"God, Jesse, enough with John Hughes. My marriage isn't a movie, OK? I fucked up, like seriously, fucked it up. I can't just hold up a boom box and fix all our problems."

"So you did watch Say Anything?!"

"Say one more word about movies and I'll stick your DVDs up-"

Jesse quickly interjected, his response stopping the short tempered brunette mid-sentence.

"Beca, the only way you're going to move forward is if you stop thinking of your marriage as broken. It's fixable, even Chloe said so, just try and forgive yourself."

She slapped her hands against her thighs, sarcasm dripping from her lips. "Gee, I hadn't thought of that. You know what, after a minutes thought, I've figured it all out. Yep, I've forgiven myself. Almost fucking another woman? A thing of the past – never happened, I'm over it" she retorted.

"Look, you promised her you'd try, so hold up your end of the bargain. You apologised and Chloe knows you regret it. You've got a second chance here, don't you see?"

Jesse let a grin play on his lips, before throwing Beca's previous words back at her, mimicking Aubrey's voice, "Get it together; wallowing Beca isn't cute anymore."

Beca stretched out her foot, digging it into his shin and letting out a laugh at his over exaggerated response, rubbing furiously at his left leg.

"OK, I get it. As much as I hate to admit it, you're making sense."

Beca avoided eye contact, picking at the label on her glass bottle throughout her entire sentence.

Her best friend simply kicked her leg lightly, smiling a small smile.

"Besides, did I also mention that I really don't want you living with me and Aubrey forever? A best friend is not supposed to cock block her best friend, if you know what I'm saying..." Jesse added slyly, before bringing the beer bottle to his lips smugly.

"Gross."

As much as she hated to admit it, that was probably one of the times she did successfully "open up over a beer" with Jesse, and their conversation helped give her some much needed prospect on her actions .

At first it was hard, missing her home and family and all the while mentally berating herself over and over for that fateful night outside a hotel room in Atlanta, but with time it grew easier and little by little Beca managed to forgiver herself. She never forgot what she did; the guilt would probably haunt her for a long time; but she was ready to fix her marriage and stop dwelling on her past mistake.

Chloe had stressed maintaining normality with their daughter was crucial, so Beca still took Lucy to school in the mornings on her way to work and most evenings both of them would spend an hour or two eating ice cream or playing on the park.

Beca and Chloe's interactions were short; a quick exchange of awkward but polite pleasantries. Whenever she dropped by the house to collect or drop of Lucy they only spoke few words to each other – granted it was many more than they were use to, but things were still raw and Beca couldn't help but feel as if she was stepping on egg shells, a constant fear of saying the wrong thing and undoing all of Chloe's attempts at forgiveness.

However, in the mornings when she pulled up on the drive way waiting to take Lucy to school, Chloe would always stand at the door, watching the car back onto the main road and give Beca that same old small wave and a soft smile that was only ever reserved for her. It was those moments that brightened her day and sparked the hope that things would soon get better.

And it did.

One night when dropping Lucy back home after a couple of hours helping with homework, Chloe asked Beca to stay for dinner - the offer was unexpected and out of the blue, but Beca didn't even try to hide the pure eagerness and excitement in her voice when she agreed to stay.

They ate mac and cheese at the table – Beca in her old spot – like they use and talked about their days. Conversation came naturally; with Chloe starting work back at her old school and Lucy preparing for her first school play; there was plenty to discuss. Beca caught herself smiling like an idiot on more than four occasions, whilst sneaking glances at Chloe across from her. The familiarity of everything ran deep and for the first time in a long while, the DJ actually felt like they were finally making progress.

After dinner, Beca washed the dishes whilst Chloe dried and they entertained their four year old with Lego and building blocks until it bed time. Together they put their daughter to bed; one short story and a quick song; and tucked her in – it was odd how normal it all felt, like they'd done the same just the night before, but the brunette didn't want to overstep the mark, so by the time they were back downstairs, she reached for her jacket on the arm of the sofa and started to say her good-bye.

"I don't want you to go yet."

Beca couldn't bite back the smile that was surely taking over her face in that moment. She stilled all her movements, her throat dry. She tried crocking out a response, until she just dropped her coat and sat back down on the couch, rubbing the top of her thighs nervously.

Chloe disappeared into the kitchen and returned with two glasses of wine.

"Sorry, red is all we have in the cupboard..."

Beca looked at the woman before her, bending down to place the glass on the coffee table in front of her. She just smiled, getting lost in the redhead's blue eyes. Truth be told, Chloe could give her bleach in a glass and Beca would still accept it with a smile on her face.

She suddenly realised Chloe was awaiting a reply, so she just nodded.

"Perfect" she mumbled with that stupid goofy grin on her face again. "Red is perfect."

There was a hidden meaning in her words, but both decided not to comment on it.

 **XXX**

Chloe gathered the papers off her desk and dropped them into the top drawer – time to worry about those after summer she thought to herself. Coming back to work was by far one of the best decisions she'd made; being back in her classroom and teaching again was a major part of her healing process.

Turns out the teacher the school employed to replace her wasn't up to the challenge and quit soon after he was hired. Much to the redhead's surprise, Chloe was rehired the moment they found out she wanted to get back into teaching.

It wasn't until her first day back that the redhead realised how much she loved her job and just how much she had missed it. Being a teacher was never the plan for the future until she started her first year at Barden; Chloe can still remember the feeling of everything slotting together once she attended her first teaching class – teaching music was a no-brainer after that.

Standing in front of a class of eager and ready to learn seventh graders made Chloe wonder why she hadn't wanted to be a teacher from the beginning – no other job could compete with the rewarding feeling she felt after a hard day's work.

The phone chiming brought Chloe back to the present, as she finished the quick tidying of her work space, before making her way to the door and fishing the device out of her bag. Looking down at the notification on her lock screen, the woman let a smile play on her lips.

 **BECA [15:57]: Lucy wanted to help with the boxes – Hurry up and get home before we break something.**

The message was accompanied by a photo of their four year old attempting to lift a box labelled "records" on their drive way. Beca was in the corner of the shot, pretending to chew her finger nails nervously, posing for the camera whilst Lucy had her tongue stuck out and pulling at the flaps of the box.

Chloe let out a giggle, as she turned the key in the lock of her classroom door. She took another look at the photo, noting how perfect her little family looked, before locking her phone and heading to the parking lot.

The night Beca returned from her business trip, the couple had managed to communicate more in a mere forty minutes than they had done in the past few months. Chloe finally felt like she was feeling human again and having Beca there to support her made her feel the love she had seemed to have forgotten. The moment she heard her wife's confession, the hurt and shock hit her like a ton of bricks; unable to process her emotions. So, in the end, Chloe decided to forget the last part of their discussion for the night and just go to bed, feeling her wife hold her again.

Although Chloe could quite clearly see, hear and feel the disappointment and sincerity in the younger woman's apology, she wasn't quite ready to deal with it yet. Once she woke in the morning, Chloe knew what she wanted to do.

Despite the fact that Beca couldn't go through with it and had flown home early to be honest with her was almost comforting, but deep down Chloe was still painfully aware that she had been unfaithful; the moment she kissed somebody else, Beca broke her wedding vowels, but most importantly the trust in their relationship.

Chloe knows her behaviour prior had a huge impact on why it happened, but still, that wasn't an excuse. At first she was torn; half of her wanted to forget about it and try to continue forward with their marriage; the other half knew she needed both time and space - starting a fresh so quickly after everything was just too much, so she made a decision.

"I want you to move out."

Those six words echoed in their kitchen, bouncing of the walls and ringing inside her head. Chloe had done a lot of thinking that morning; sat slumped over the breakfast counter in the early sunlight, racking her mind for another alternative, but sadly she had come up empty.

The hurt and fear on Beca's face was enough to make her want to take them back, but she knew it was what they needed – time and space wouldn't work if they were still living together.

"Or I can move out, but either way I think we both need some space."

Beca didn't reply, her eyes fixed on the mug of coffee sat in front of her, a finger nervously tapping on its handle. The DJ blew the air from her checks and looked at Chloe with a soft smile, before slowly nodding.

"OK, that's fair. You stay here with Lucy and I'll find somewhere else to stay."

Beca was already on her feet, leaving the room in a defeated shuffle.

"Becs?" Chloe called, panicked, her eyes brimming with unshed tears.

When there was no answer, she followed her wife's path out of the kitchen and up the stairs. Chloe halted at the door way of their bedroom, as she watched the other woman already packing up her things.

"Chloe, you don't need to explain. I totally understand; I broke our relationship the moment I even entertained the thought of kissing anyone else other than you, never mind actually..." she trailed off, continuing to fold a pair of skinny jeans.

"I don't want a divorce. That's not what this means" she gestured to the bag Beca was filling laying on their bed.

She just needed space; a chance to re-evaluate things and gave them both so time apart to work things out on their own, before starting to rebuild their marriage. Beca stilled her movements, searching the other woman's face.

"What does it mean then?" she whispered before sitting down on the bed.

"I did what I did and you did what you did, you know? Although things are a mess right now, I still don't want to lose you. I meant it last night when I said I'd never get over it."

Chloe closed the distance between them and perched next to the brunette. Beca ran a hand through her hair, before letting out a sigh.

"I don't know how- Chlo, I'm not sure I can forgive myself, never mind you forgiving me."

The older woman placed a hand to still Beca's bouncing knee and then interlocked their fingers together.

"I'll try if you will?" she asked with a soft smile.

Beca shook her head, chewing down on her bottom lip. She opened her mouth to speak, before snapping it shut again - Chloe could practically see the cogs turning inside her head. Eventually she spoke up, giving the hand in hers a gentle squeeze.

"You really think we can get over this?"

Chloe quickly silenced the insecurity in her question, "After everything we've been through recently, I believe our relationship is stronger than we think..."

That was the only thing Beca needed to hear before she finished packing her bag and heading over to Aubrey's.

Explaining their decision to a toddler was a lot more difficult than either of them had imagined. Leaving out certain details and trying to remain positive throughout their explanation wasn't enough to silence Lucy's constant questions and confused cries. Chloe doesn't think she'll ever forget the panic that laced her daughter's voice when she demanded "But I don't want Mommy to leave, who's going to take me to school?"

After a heartbreaking "this is not a good-bye" good night hug with their daughter, Beca left the house and Chloe tried everything to calm the hysterical four year old; she'd had her heart broken twice in just two days.

 **XXX**

"Woah, buddy, that seems a bit too heavy" Beca said, as she pushed her phone back into her pocket.

Lucy gave her a quick pout; identical to Chloe's; before letting out a huff as she failed to lift the box from the ground.

"I thought Mommy said you had to get rid of some of these" she scrunched up her nose, lazily flicking the opened flap of the cardboard box. Beca scooped her daughter up in her arms before letting out a chuckle. "Well, Mom bought me many of them, so they're staying. Besides, when you were a little baby, most of these records were the only thing that made you go to sleep" she replied, softly tapping her finger on the child's nose.

"Yeah?" Lucy replied excitedly.

"Yep, so we can't throw them out!"

Beca gently eased her down to the ground, before handing her stuffed toy and placed the last box of records under her arm.

"Now, why don't you and Lilly the monkey go inside, because we haven't thrown the rose petals yet, remember?"

Lucy clutched the monkey to her chest, before setting off at full speed through the front door, shouting at a laughing Beca, "Oh shoot, I forgot!"

Beca couldn't stop the swelling of happiness in her chest, as she noted how Lucy had recently started copying Chloe's words; which was better than the previous word (heard from Beca) she use to say in frustration. She laughed at the memory of Lucy's previous phase that had gotten her into trouble at school and the talk that came with it; "saying "shit" when your pencil breaks or when you don't get chocolate pudding at lunch is naughty, Lucy."

"Shoot" was a huge improvement and Chloe was thrilled the moment Lucy opted to take her Mother's alternative. Beca on the other hand was a little disappointed; Lucy swearing made her weirdly proud and nervous all at the same time, but she couldn't admit that to her wife – even though she thinks Chloe already knows.

The image of the toddler pulling at random boxes of heavy objects caused Beca to break into a hurried walk/almost run, "Lucy, don't touch the fuc- leave the boxes!"

 _Damn, no wonder my kid swears..._

 **XXX**

Chloe edged the car to the end of the road, the red light reflecting on the silver bonnet. She tapped her fingers on the steering wheel in beat with whatever song was playing on the radio mindlessly, whilst she continued to get lost in her thoughts.

It was crazy to think how far she and Beca had come in four short months – their joint decision for Beca to move back home last week was easy, at least for Chloe, and judging by her wife's beaming smile when breaking the news to Lucy, it was easy for her too.

She recalled the moment Lucy jumped around with an excited sequel upon hearing the news. The child had launched herself forward into Beca's arms, knocking her wife to the ground. It was equal parts comical and heat warming, but Chloe couldn't help but feel the sight pull at her heart strings, knowing just how much Lucy had missed her Mom.

A few days prior, Beca had spent the night for the first time since moving out. The next morning she had heard the younger woman quietly creep out of bed; trying her best not to wake an already conscious Chloe; and set off down the hall to Lucy's room.

They had spent the past three months rebuilding their relationship; taking everything back to basics. From the first time Chloe had asked Beca to stay for a glass of wine (or three...) after dinner, Beca wasted no time in asking the redhead out for a date in order to "win the love of my life back".

Chloe so quickly agreed and since then they took each other out for dinner, went to the movies, organised family days out on the weekends and easily found themselves slipping back into the warm familiarity of their marriage before the miscarriage. Beca still had the ability to make her laugh out loud with her awkward, but yet somehow charming and witty sense of humour. The butterflies in her stomach still occurred like they did in college when Beca would slip her hand in hers, or place a soft kiss to her cheek catching Chloe off guard.

There wasn't a morning Chloe could recall not waking up to "Good Morning" text messages, or fresh flowers sitting on the window ledge in the kitchen, accompanied by a sticky note with a sarcastic message written upon it in the evenings when she got back home from work.

For the first time in a long while, Chloe felt like everything was going to be OK, because her marriage was never truly broken to begin with; it just needed a little time. The redhead had realised recently that the love was always so evidently there, it just needed some light shined upon it and she thinks she speaks for both her and Beca when she says the light was each other.

So, the night before, after a movie date and a quiet drink at one of the local bars they use to visit, Beca walked her home, their fingers laced together and arms gently swinging between them as they walked slowly down the sidewalk. When reaching the front door, Beca respectfully kissed her goodnight. The kiss was soft and chaste, but Beca's fingers had found themselves rubbing circles on the bare skin at the small of her back and it just did things to her.

So, Chloe held her tighter when the younger woman was about to pull away, and changed the pace of the kiss, before placing open mouthed kisses on Beca's neck.

"Chlo- If you keep doing that, I'm not going to be able to leave..." she trailed off, letting a quiet hum leave her lips, as she felt Chloe smile against her skin.

"Then don't."

So, it was really no surprise Beca stayed the night after that, besides Chloe wasn't complaining. The night was innocent in some ways and the complete opposite in others. Beca's touch left tingly sensations on her skin, her soft kisses seemed to burn her lips; Chloe had forgotten how; for the lack of a better word; _skilled_ Beca was in that department and there wasn't a single regret in her mind when she was digging her finger nails into Beca's bare shoulder whilst she teetered over the edge, or when she felt the familiar warm skin against hers when they held each other afterwards.

She opened her eyes just in time to see Beca round the corner of the hallway in the morning light, before she was out of view – Chloe could practically hear the elated joy in the spring of each and every one of her steps as she marched to Lucy's bedroom.

The redhead listened out for the sound of Beca's voice before she herself got out of bed and paused at the door frame of their bedroom, straining to hear their interaction.

"Good morning, trouble" Beca spoke cheekily, as Chloe envisioned her wife placing a kiss to their sleeping daughter's temple. She heard the confused commotion coming from their four year old, before she let out a giddy cheer. Chloe dared to step further down the hall, peering into Lucy's room, unnoticed by both of its occupants.

Beca was kneeling by the bed, gently bopping one of Lucy's stuffed toys into her face, as the toddler giggled reaching out to pull at Beca's nose in an attempt to stop the soft assault on her face.

"Stop it, you said you didn't want to wake Mom!" she scolded between chuckles.

The brunette stilled her movement immediately, a serious look on her face, "Oh, crap I forgot."

Lucy picked up the discarded teddy and threw it at her Mother, "And you're not allowed to say that word around me, remember?"

"Oh, crap, I forgot..." Beca repeated, and although she had her back to Chloe, the redhead could practically see the smirk on her lips; she stifled a laugh whilst shaking her head – because of course Lucy would remind Beca _she_ shouldn't curse in front of a four year old.

Lucy sobered from her laughter, before demanding the older woman make her cereal.

"Me? Make you cereal? And why would I do that?" Beca teased.

The little girl simply shrugged and without missing a beat stated as plainly as possible; in a very Beca Mitchell way; "Because you woke me up, silly!"

Chloe couldn't stop her laugh then, and both Beca and Lucy quickly turned their heads to see the woman leaning on the door frame in a pair of shorts and an old tattered Nirvana shirt that Beca was sure once belonged to her.

"She's definitely your daughter" Chloe said with a smile, causing Beca to let out a throaty laugh – she most certainly couldn't argue with that. Before the DJ had a chance to respond, Lucy broke the silence, leaping out of bed and jetting out of the room with an enthaustic shout.

"Last one to the kitchen is a rotten egg!"

The two women each exchanged a look before Beca was on her feet and gently pushing Chloe back into the room, charging into the lead. The brunette was almost ahead, until Chloe pulled at her shirt, launching herself forward down the hallway, leaving Beca on the floor shouting "cheat" innocently, like she didn't just start the whole thing.

The light flashed to green and Chloe pressed her foot lightly on the gas, a smile planted firmly on her face from the memory. She couldn't get home quick enough.

 **XXX**

Beca watched the look of wonder on her daughter's face as the handfuls of rose petals fell around them, covering the hard wood flooring. Lucy ran her feet over them playfully, spreading them down the length of the hallway, whilst Beca did the same.

"What if Mommy falls?" she asked, concern etched onto her face.

"She'll be fine, Luce."

Beca laughed quietly to herself at the pure selflessness in her statement; even at four years old the toddler was already worrying about other people's wellbeing – how ridiculously Chloe of her...

She offered out her hand, that Lucy quickly took, before making her way back into the kitchen. The woman stilled next to the counter and lifted her daughter up on to it. Her arms came down to box her, before she gave a serious stare and the hint of a potential smile.

"Right, what's your job when Mom comes home?"

Lucy let out a thoughtful hum before she started to smile, breaking Beca's resolve, who then mirrored her daughter's expression. "I take her coat and tell her you're in the kitchen?" she asked, unsure. Once she was met by Beca's nod, her smile grew even bigger and she found the confidence to continue.

"And then, I move the chair so she can sit!"

Beca put her hand in the air, in front of Lucy's face, "High five!"

The toddler then brought her own hand up and they smacked them together, followed by a chorus of cheers.

"We're going to ace this!" Beca shouted excitedly, before placing a kiss to Lucy's cheek.

The simentanous noise at the front door and the oven timer blaring startled the two for a moment, until Beca lifted her daughter off the counter and back onto the floor, with a hushing noise and whispered into her ear.

"Go get Mommy."

Lucy smiled brightly before running out of the room and towards the rattling keys at the door.

She heard a quiet "oomph" from Chloe, as the DJ imagined the toddler engulfing her in a tight hug, a smile spreading across her face. The faint sound of their voices suddenly getting louder made Beca spring into action, silencing the timer on the oven and opening the door, she then pushed play on the small remote by the sink.

When packing her things out of Aubrey and Jesse's apartment, she had saved her records until last. Beca had put several different ones in a separate box that she had hand-picked for this specific occasion; a collection of songs that were either Chloe's favourite, held a special memory, or simply just made Beca think of her wife.

A couple of minutes spent fiddling around with wires whilst Lucy set the table and the DJ had managed to hook up her record player to the kitchen sound system, so when she pushed play the sound of Patsy Cline's voice singing 'Crazy' filled the kitchen just as Chloe rounded the corner.

 **XXX**

Chloe dropped her bag instinctively, as the bundle of joy that was her daughter ran towards her hugging her legs. She was so distracted by the cute look on Lucy's face that she almost didn't notice the rose petals scattered on the floor, well, almost.

"I have to take your coat."

Lucy's voice brought her eyes back to the small body wrapped around her legs, before she finally pulled away, a mischievous grin on her face. Chloe let out a quiet chuckle as the toddler tugged down at the hem of her blouse.

"But, I'm not wearing a coat" Chloe responded, a guilty look on her face.

"Mommy said I should take your coat, but it doesn't matter. C'mon!" she said excitedly, tugging on her Mother's wrist and leading them towards the kitchen and through the litter of petals on the ground.

"Did you do this?" Chloe asked sheepishly.

"No-Yes, but only because Mom said I could."

Chloe couldn't help but giggle at the guilty look on her face.

"Well thank you" she whispered with a wide smile.

"But as long as your Mom knows she's cleaning it up" she added, a smirk on her lips. Lucy mumbled something about not falling over and stopped at the door way to the kitchen.

The redhead registered the sound of the song, before she noticed Beca holding a dish in her hands. It was then she took in the sight of the neatly laid table, scattered with more rose petals. Despite the fact it was still light outside, they were lit candles decorating the table. Chloe was pretty sure she was smiling from ear to ear at the gesture right now, but Beca was looking at her with that same loving smile and she felt her heart jump in her chest.

"Hi" Beca spoke up nervously, looking around the room and pointing at the table, "I thought we'd do something special for my first dinner back, but if the casserole I cooked sucks, we can just get take-out" she mumbled shyly before Chloe was walking towards her.

A quick glance into the dish on the work surface and Chloe shrugged, bringing her eyes back to Beca, "It looks edible" she joked.

"Gee, we've been slaving over this stove all day, Lucy, to have your Mother just say "It looks edible", are we going-"

Chloe stopped Beca's complaining as she captured her lips in a kiss, her hands coming up to rest on her shoulders. Once she pulled away, they stayed close, before Chloe whispered a quiet thank you, her breath ghosting Beca's lips.

"Hey, I need to push your chair out!" Lucy yelled, making her presence known – the child's version of an adult clearing their throat and yelling "Get a room!"

Chloe and Beca laughed, tearing away from each other. The redhead raised her eyebrows at Beca before walking back to the table.

"Alright, bossy, keep your hair on, I'm coming" Chloe joked as she gently bopped Lucy's nose.

The meal was pleasantly tasty; Beca Mitchell was never meant to be a chef; but this time she had outdone herself, causing her to make a joke about her wife doing all the cooking from now on. The candles, the music, the rose petals all made it feel like a date, but somehow Beca had managed to effortlessly pull off the family vibe, as Lucy ate with them, and they conversed just like they would over a typical dinner.

Once dinner was finished and the washing up was don't, there was an unexpected knock on the door causing Chloe to wonder who it could be, until Beca pulled Lucy's overnight bag down from the coat stand and opened the door; Jesse's face coming into view on the other side. Without any exchange of words, Lucy was already putting on her shoes and kissing Chloe good-bye with her cheeky smile in place. Beca helped the toddler put her arms in her coat, before Jesse gave the confused redhead a small wave and knowing smile and it was just her and Beca stood in the hallway.

"First part of the date: check! Second part of the date can begin" Beca called out, a smug smile in place. "I've put a lot of effort into this. Beale, so you better put out" she joked, before leading Chloe into the living room.

"So all this just get me into bed?" Chloe retorted, with the quirk of an eyebrow as she sat on the sofa.

"Nope..."

Beca paused before rushing into the kitchen and returned with two bottles of beer, "this..." she said mischievously whilst handing one to her wife "...is to get you into bed."

Chloe laughed and Beca threw herself down on the couch, looking quite pleased with herself. The older woman lifted her legs from the floor and placed them atop Beca's knees, who began rubbing soft circles on her ankle. Their laughs subsided and they fell into a comfortable silence, both supping from their drinks.

They weren't even two bottles of beer in until things took a different turn, their make out session slowly getting more and more heated; Chloe now straddling a flustered Beca, hands roaming under the redhead's blouse.

Chloe pulled back tugging on Beca's arms as she rose to her feet, "I don't know about you, but I think we should take this upstairs."

Her voice was low and breathless and Beca felt a want building in the pit of her stomach as she climbed to her feet. Chloe was already rushing to the stairs, before Beca grinned and brought her hand to playfully slap her ass, "I knew the beer would make you give it up!" she laughed.

The woman stopped dead in her tracks, turning to flash the brunette a seductive wink, "Who said it was the alcohol?"

Before the DJ could even muster a reply, Chloe let out a cackle and raced up the stairs. Beca was hot on her heels, shaking her head at her wife's antics.

 **XXX**

The sheets were warm on Beca's skin, but she couldn't register anything else other than the slow kisses Chloe was placing on her bare shoulder.

"Welcome home" she whispered, pausing between the words, continuing her trail up Beca's neck. The shorter woman unintentionally shuddered, her lips turning into a big smile.

"Good to be back" she hummed in response, turning onto her side to take in Chloe's beauty. She pushed a stray lock of hair from her eyes and brushed it behind her ear, before pressing her lips over the scar on her forehand.

Chloe simply smiled lazily back at her in response, before bringing her own hand up to caress Beca's cheek, "Can I tell you a secret?" she whispered hesitantly. The fact that Chloe was chewing her bottom lip was enough for Beca to know she was feeling nervous about whatever she wanted to say, so Beca smiled softly, trying to will as much reassurance into her eyes as possible.

"You can tell me anything" she whispered back.

"I think I'm ready to try again."

Beca looked at her confused, before she smirked, "Hey, babe, if you're ready for round two, I'm down; in more ways than one, if you know what I mean" she waggled her eyebrows playfully, before attaching her mouth to Chloe's neck.

There was a slight muffled laugh, before the redhead was pulling away and grabbing hold of the wrist that was making its way down her stomach.

"No, not that, well, yeah, I guess that too, but..."

Beca stopped then, noting the uncertainty in Chloe's eyes. It was the same look she had given her before bringing up having children together almost five years ago.

"How do you feel about kids?" Chloe had shrugged whilst they were eating take-out in the brunette's old apartment. Beca couldn't prevent the coughing fit that followed after she immediately choked on her mouthful of food.

There was one thing Beca had noticed the more she got to know Chloe; the confidence she so easily possessed could quickly falter when she was unsure of something. The way she would recoil into a foreign shell and nervously play with her fingers was a strange sight to see at first, but Beca couldn't explain the need it stirred inside her to make Chloe feel at ease again.

So she cleared her throat and wiped her fingers on a napkin before placing her food down and turning her body to face a nervous Chloe.

"Kids? Never really been a fan, but _our_ kids, fuck yes, I want your babies" she emphasised the word "our" and let out a chuckle at Chloe's bewildered expression.

The Chloe wrapped in the sheets in front of her now was still looking unsure, playing with Beca's fingers under the duvet. Despite being less than an inch away from her, Beca felt as if Chloe had backed away, causing that same need to reassure her to bubble over – she searched her eyes once more and pulled her wife even closer.

"Chlo, just say it."

She felt a gentle squeeze of her fingers, before Chloe's lips turned into a more confident smile.

"I think I'm ready to try again, with IVF."

A tear was making its way down her cheek, threatening to hit the pillow until Beca gently brushed it away with the pad of her thumb. Chloe felt her mouth go dry, as she let out a quiet sniffle, waiting for Beca to say something.

The shorter woman closed the distance between them and gave her wife a soft but sure kiss. Once she pulled away, there was a slight smile playing on her lips.

"I'm ready whenever you are, Chlo"

 **XXX**

 **So there it is, the epilogue that wasn't a proper epilogue but sort of an epilogue (I'm going to stop saying epilogue right now...)**

 **I had so many different ideas for this chapter that eventually I had to close the document and have a quiet word with myself, hence the 6,000 word count – I could have just kept writing!**

 **Like I said in the last chapter, this wasn't going to be a happy ending, but actually I really enjoyed writing it, so I'm glad you guys changed my mind. I hope this ending was everything you wanted it be; I owe you that much for sticking with angst! Let me know if met your expectations in the reviews .**

 **Well... Thank you so very much for the follows and the faves – it means a lot and reading your reviews is a truly rewarding experience. I never really pegged myself for a good writer, but I think maybe you're making me see that I could be. Shout-out to the regular reviewers, sending you a virtual high five right now!**

 **Cheers for everything and thank you for reading, Amy x**


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